look both ways........

From toddling age we are all taught to look left and right, keep an eye out for danger whether it be crossing a road, climbing stairs, jumping, running  leaping, and in fact just existing in the modern world. Its about being streetwise. Its about foreseeing times that might yield danger, crossing the road when there’s a dodgy gang, pausing to check traffic lights and zebra crossings, you know where Im going with this I don’t need to list them all and there are so many of them. Well this is all good and well, but it doesn’t account for the rear attack......the time that someone creeps up behind you and mugs you or darkness sets in and you feel slightly vulnerable and you want to see whats behind you, but for all your checking and looking both ways there are times when it gets you right in the back. It lurches at you and takes hold out of nowhere, an event you couldn’t have forseen, avoided or even had time to step back or indeed run away from and that is the way of diseases. They grow and develop inside you quietly, benignly and grippingly, they drain you and in my case leach your bones.......they envelop you until they have got a firm and drastic hold and then one day they jump out of the dark and yell like a strike of symbols so deafeningly in your ears that you lose all sense of time, balance, understanding and comprehension. ‘WHY ME’ yells back or ‘I don’t understand.....how did this happen, what did I do wrong?’ Or even.....’are you sure you got the right person?’ (that last denial one is a real sucker!)

But you cant know it and it happens all the time, every day to millions of people, whatever the condition or disease, be it cancer, ME, MS or even osteoporosis, the list is endless sadly. Its just not fair, its unjust.....but it happens. These things are somehow so much more than, to carry on with the previous analogy, just crossing a busy street and looking left and right to check for oncoming vehicles.......its more than being engulfed in a crowd and having your pockets emptied. Its a huge truck coming full speed out of the fog with no time to slow down and BANG.........all time stops.

I read an article this week by Mike Marquesee about his struggle with a form of haematological cancer. He talks about the” roller coaster ride of symptoms treatments and side effects....”.  He continues on to talk about the heightened awareness of both our intricate dependence on others and our deep seated need to retain dignity and independence. These don’t always sit comfortably together. Nor do pity and support...they are also very opposite beasts. I related to his point that ‘restrictions in capacity and mobility are hugely frustrating and relying on others to supplement them is not a straightforward business.....engaged in a never- ending  battle for autonomy’.

All this hit me with great significance as I read, as the past 2 months have left me under house arrest, not able to drive, carry my shopping, go out anywhere in big crowds, travel in any capacity than a constant state of fear(the confusion and getting lost from all the pills aside!), staring at the fridge in dismay and complete lack of either enthusiasm or even energy to muster something from those icy depths, and the woolly headed memory and getting half way through a sentence to suddenly realise I cant remember what the helI I was talking about!  I cant cope with pissy customer services people (actually can any of us?), I cant deal with doctors, small day to day things have become overwhelming...... I have been caught in a war of “la resistance vs l’acceptance” in getting to grips with facing this, on the one hand and accepting its path and course now in my life, and whilst the change in itself is not the big problem (I usually embrace change), its the fear, pain and current self pitying belief that Im somehow not of much value now that I find myself fighting and then giving in to and back to fighting again........all the time trying to retain some sort of autonomy and independence and frankly just a bit of self  worth!

So there we have it, you must always look both ways, it reduces the risk that something  might hit you or knock you down. Its good sense. Its the least we can do when all said and done there may well be a path pre-ordained in the stars that has your journey mapped out and without that crystal ball looking left and right is the best we have.

a double yolker!

I love duck eggs and the other morning I was doing a ‘proper’ breakfast for myself, such is life now that these things have become small highlights of my day and obviously my diet is important as well as not skipping breakfast which has been somewhat normal for me in everyday working life. I have also taken to thinking about my next meal whilst eating the current one, simply because so little is happening in my world at the moment and food has become something of a point of interest, whether it be because there is nothing remotely of yumminess in my fridge, its vitamin and health values or just out of sheer boredom.  Anyway, out came a double yolker! Now I know that this is not only quite unusual and the practical and non superstitious of you out there would just say that 2 little ducklings might have come as a result for one lucky duck had it not been in my fryingpan, but  I found myself wondering what superstitions out there might have just landed in my lap...could this be some sort of sign.... and yes I know, maybe Ive lost all senses now, but that was never going to be very difficult really, and given my new status and rather random trains of thought these days, I do seem to be looking for answers in everything....

So I hit the www in search of some sort of enlightenment!

What is the significance of a double yolker?.........

1)      According to norse mythology, it means there will be a death in the family.

2)      Apparently  it means that a previously infertile couple can expect to become pregnant, most likely with twins, or to become pregnant multiple times.

3)      The pre-medieval Anglo-Saxon tradition that a double-yolk foretold a wedding (the double yolk in a single shell representing the union of two people as one.)

4)      Most traditions hold that the egg is a symbol of life and fertility, or something relating to the life cycle.

5)      Plentifulness and good fortune in the wiccan religion. Expecting one thing and getting two fold what was expected. It foresees good things to come, usually romantically or financially.

Well, not overwhelmed with number 1, 2 is pretty useless to me right now, 3 would be nice but still somewhat lacking on that front given zero man in life, 4 similar to 2 except that I can run with the lifecycle thing and if in my case that means that this new phase of my life might be a different direction etc that might bring me new and unexpected stuff, then I can perhaps go with that, so Im really probably best of with number 5. Ive definitely had 2 fold more than I was expecting by getting a horrid bone disease that could see me severely debilitated in but  a few  years, but it might also mean that my life is somehow changing for the better in some way that is beyond e at the moment and might just be a little confounding at best right now,  and if it does bring better finance and prince charming then all the better! I do feel that I have had more than my fair share of rubbish to deal with over the years and this has somewhat knocked me well out of the playing field recently, so if as number five says that good things are to come, then lets get up and have em!

A mothers love (and next steps in my treatment)

So mummy tiger protective instinct kicked in this week. Its nice when a parent does one of those full on guttural growls in defence of their offspring, you see it on nature programmes all the time, and when I am said offspring, even better. Let me explain.

So, as you already know I was awaiting my next appointment this week for latest update on random disease that has thrown its dark shadow over my life in the past few months. I saw my consultant Dr Baynon last week and he was very concerned about the rarity of my condition, the correct treatment and was very focused on putting me to the top of his list (nice but even more worrying as it indicates that even in the most positive frame of light that its probably a worse situation than you were allowing yourself to believe!), and he was also the one who had pointed out actually how precarious my current state is, hence last weeks wobble and tantrum fit with the boiler. So there was I expecting an appointment through, following a referral from my doctors’ surgery. Now I need to explain that at this point I have now run out of my corporate Bupa outpatients cover so have to wing it with the NHS from here on in, desperately hoping that actually my condition is, as I was lead to believe, significant enough and worrying or intriguing or whatever checklist priority it is this week for them to actually see me inside of the next 3 months before telling me what the  jiggery pokery and goblin magic comes next! That might sound selfish , but actually Im in limbo and until I know what Im dealing with and what the next steps are and the treatments might be its like waiting for eternity to come and clop you round the head after bouncing out from behind a tree like tigger in a great fit of suprise! Im also a project manager by trade and that means I like plans, next steps, logic, information and good reasoning!

Anyway, so Dr Baynon, aware that my doctor surgery had really not been at all helpful or particularly reactive up to this point (I was in tears regaling previous appointments to even get referred),was pretty horrified by the dismissive bollocks that Id got from one particular senior doctor in the surgery,  had then promised to speak to him personally and get my referral within the week. Well I was not optimistic on his behalf and it seems I was again proved right about this particular doctors lethargy and responsivity. However, I called the secretary to find out how things were going this Monday and Tuesday, nothing, no fax referral (you need the referral from your local doc to get in to the right consultants again through NHS even if you’ve already paid thousands privately to get to that point).  I finally called Doc B. Well  -  all I can say is he did call me back but it was very confusing, his previous very positive demeanour seemed to have evaporated overnight and he seemed reticent in actually answering any of my questions. What he did say though was that I was no longer to take any contraceptives, and that booze to be reduced as much as poss, take vitamin d super pills (they are like a 20000 unit to a typical daily 400units in standard vit pills!) nothing more. I was utterly confused. What about treatments and other specialists he’d mentioned........just wait for a month! (but no more explanation than that!)

So I called my mum, the lifeline I mentioned in a previous note. She’s an ex nurse, hospital theatre nurse and patient representative so she’s seen it all and a pro at dealing with consultants. Her response -  “he’s fobbing you off, Im not happy have you seen a Endocrinologist” (a whattee what?) -  “Erm no.........”.

Right then!!!!!!! (yes thats where I get it!!!)

Long discussion later and plan and numbers sorted she’s on the tigress mummy warpath  -  her cub is distressed and shes looking for answers!! Next day she calls me , “ Ive left him a message!” ........ end of evening .......”no, still no call back Im very disappointed I think this is the horrid problem with moving from private to NHS, Im appalled!” (Im not sure what to say) ......so more waiting and so I just struggle through a day at work today (whilst Im still signed off sick and unfit for work , Im on a phased return approach and its great cos I actually get to hang out with real people other than the cat and talk about stuff that’s not just me, and go for lunch like a normal person, just with a lot of pain and get a good telling off for doing too much which is quite standard in my world during these episodes!) 2 fab girlfriends cooked me dinner, natter natter etc etc, you know how girlys can be and then mum calls.......

“darling, Ive just spoken to him, he was lurverly!!” (note significant change of tone!)

So, this is where we are now:  he hadn’t called back as it turned out he teaches local doctors surgeries and clinics about new info on conditions etc. I happened to be the case study and the doctors surgery this week and only last night just by some weird fate happened to be my bunch of reprobates in Islington. He apparently explained how extremely rare my case is, the obvious rarity of osteoporosis in a 35 year old woman and that this is not a normal strain/ form whatsoever. (the 2  others being older persons post 55 and post menopausal!) Under no circumstances should I be treated with traditional osteoportic drugs as these have not only horrid side effects, but are ineffective and dangerous as bring on other horrors such as infertility and such nasties! No contraceptives, no steroids, no toxic drugs of any description! I have to wait for contraception to clear my system and only then can they test for hormorne issues that may be a cause. I also need to give my ribs further time to heal better before any form of ‘hardcore’ treatment is even considered. He had consulted with endocrinologists it turned out, (tiger  mummy v happy about this in particular)  at the Royal Free as well as a bunch of other reputable knowit alls about osteoporosis, and they had advised this in the immediate term.

Now, it also seems that despite Dr B having a 12 week waiting list on NHS, hes going to see me in 2-4 given my ‘special’ case. (mum said he actually seemed excited to have my case which I can only think must be positive!) So all our worries about private to NHS seem in this case to be needless, but it is a very true fact that the beurocracy involved is maddening and he said that he was enormously frustrated himself by it to my mum! Its also a sidenote that he flamed my doctor for not responding to his request for a referral last week which still hasn’t been done, so its reassuring that there really are the most wonderful doctors out there,  and that despite the nightmare blockages that the system might cause,  they will go above and beyond to sort things out and this one really did do that! I feel very very lucky indeed. Thank you Dr Baynon.

So its no conclusion yet, I do have some vague idea of the next month, and its just a waiting game for ribs to heal, toxic rubbish to expel from my body and then and only then can we proceed!

So maybe now I will start getting more than 3-4 hours sleep a night, and actually despite everything, the wheels are turning again. Im taking some extra magnesium and calcium supplements as well now on top of all those painkillers and probiotics. More progress in that my bupa bills are also being assessed and Im also managing to vaguely do some sort of job, albeight conference calls, emails and the odd office visit for a few ‘critical meetings’. Its important for my sanity -  really, Im climbing the walls and there are only so many dvds one can watch.  Im being well supported by wonderful friends. It kinda sucks that its raining though, a tan would be a nice offset to some of this! What more can I say........? thank you all for all your wonderful mails, comments, texts........xx

Where is my mind........

.........as that oldie Pixies song lyric goes and something I have been wondering more and more recently. I have lost about 5 weeks in the last 7 due to Tramadol, which I recently heard was not only an opioid......a close relative to morphine, but one doctor described it as watered down heroine. That might explain my loss of memory, fuzzy headedness and general malaise and desire to actually move from the sofa, ability to do so or not is kind of irrelevant at this point I think! Their addictive nature I think is also a bit of a ruse, since I could never actually remember what time or if I had taken them! Something of an obvious thing if you are not the one taking them!

So now I have downgraded to the 60mg of co-codamol, codeine paracetamol mix, which whilst Im not so cloud focused, still has limitations on driving, finding buildings on a street and wandering about in a bubble, plus going on the tube the wrong way and getting lost on a regular basis, resulting in confusion and feeling like Ive generally lost my mind. As the lyrics continue......

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind..........

Yup – thats all me! Just thought Id share my airheadedness with you all, and yes I have become a pro in looking at the clouds and finding animal shapes and other items, its about all you can do when you are on this stuff and cant move and seemingly very productive at the time! I assure you, really!

DIY and ESP

Now Im quite practical as it goes and for a chick have quite an impressive tool kit including drill and electric screwdriver so as a result I can drill holes in walls, put up pictures, weed the garden, paint stuff, Ive changed fuses, rewired plugs, and even once upon a time could change the brakes on my car, plus Ive put together flatpacks from Ikea when necessary, although I will admit that my removal men did  have to rebuild my last attempt at building a wardrobe. But like anyone else when  it comes to plumbing, electrics and anything to do with bricks or cement the general rule is to get a man in. This of course is all pretty standard when feeling fit and healthy, flexible and  solid state of mind. But that is not really my current state ........

A week ago after going into somewhat total meltdown about my predicament and the total realisation that life as I have known it up until this point is irrevocably changed from here on in, I had something of a moment with the boiler!  It was the straw on the camels back! I had ‘one of those days’ where simply everything I touched and engaged with seemed to go wrong! I wonder how many more clichés I can come up with? Perhaps.... its not what happens its how you react to it!!!

The day started with fire sirens as a house down the street had an electrical fire resulting in all the road being  closed off and cut off for about 3 hours of electricity. Now this aside was quite a dramatic start to the day, then rapidly followed by a rather rubbish consultation with the doctor that got me totally riled up and if Im totally honest, quite a few tears, mostly of the self pity variety! An attempt at tube travel followed, which if you’ve read the last post was and is generally something of a trauma, and then the power cut. All I wanted was to flop on the sofa, lick my emotional and “life as I know it” bereavement wounds and watch mindless crap TV in a fug of depression. So to suddenly find one of my core lifelines cut off I was at a bit of a loose end! (Ive become rather reliant on the TV, internet and telephone for general interaction with the rest of the world) Add in my rather hazy fluffy memory and attention span (all down to the painkillers naturally), actually finding something to do for a few hours was in itself quite a chore!  At this point I opened a pile of Bupa statements and discovered a mountain of medical bills that are not covered under my corporate policy, more bad news....So as you can tell my day was not going too well. By 7pm all I wanted was a hot bath and bed  -  so lavish and exciting is my existence these days! So you can imagine that despite all electrical supplies being restored I was dismayed when there was no hot water!

My boiler, as they have a habit of doing, is in an awkward cupboard under the stairs, which of course is also filled with various household items. These had to come out which involves lifting and moving stuff and yes that means pain. Meltdown turned into total tantrum as I couldn’t restart the pilot light and ranting, swearing about my general existence and random hurling of items from the cupboard ensued. Nope it didn’t get any better, the cat knocked over water all over a pile of books and general misery had well and truly set in. DIY at this point was of absolutely no use to me at all. And as you already know Im also not good at asking for help so the general tantrum level went  to 6 on the dangerous to be around scale! I think that scale only goes to 7. Funny now but not funny then.

 And then the phone rang. Somehow my mothers intuitive ESP had swung into red alert, her ears had been itching or whatever other device had kicked in. Much ranting, tears and more hurling of (small) things generally  and she and my father had taken the executive decision in the absence of any ability from me that she’d be on her way to London the next morning. A lifeline was kicking in! A lifeline that I have come to appreciate so very greatly. One of unconditional love and just providing a bit of sanity, and support in a time where my ability to cope with seemingly the smallest things had totally evaporated.

So back to the boiler and those clichés. Well you will be very impressed to hear that after a call to British gas premier service line and a rather gobsmacking quote of 159 quid to come and sort it out, my resolve to get the damn thing started kicked in and I took my biggest pills, the most mindnumbing but also pain dampening ones,  re-emptied that cupboard and eventually kicked that thing back into life. Small miracles! And the tiniest bit of self esteem restored.

My lifeline arrived about an hour later to pick up the pieces and restore some sort of order to my life. The Bupa bills are not sorted yet, but general levels of sanity have mostly returned  with just a few moments now and then of self pity, limbo panic and am now entering what I believe  to possibly a floating state of denial!

sumosuit or bubble wrap?

Stepping outside the front door has become something of an undertaking. Anyone who has ever had broken ribs, collarbone or sternum knows firstly actually just how hard it is moving around when basically your chest, which is obviously connected to every other part of your body by muscles or some other sort of limb, hurts like hell. Simply movements like twisting, bending, breathing hurt. And then you add a crowd. But we will come to crowd control and how to overcome that one soon. There are a few key movements and stages that general movement and transport involve that need to be viewed and approached with a different pair of googles on from my previous rush and go approach!
Walking to transport!
firstly there is the question of what you need to carry...... in current situation with 6 broken ribs (did I mention that 2 are on the righthand side and the other 4 are on the left (and they have 2 breaks in too each ie front and side!) clearly the left side is a no go for carrying pretty much anything as the muscles extend down the arm and into the ribcage  -  immediate ouch! the right is slightly better and those ribs are slightly stronger with less breaks, so right arm is elected for carry handbag or coat or small bag. No more can actually be carried and especially any further than generally a few mins walk. otherwise general wincing and shocks of pain proceed through the body and a rather nasty sick feeling develops.

the bus/tube
generally it is a balance between racing to get on first (obvious drawback that racing anywhere at mo involves pain!), to give maximum time to find a seat before the bus starts moving again, or waiting for the pushy crowds to barge their way on first and so avoiding bumps, knocks and elbows (more sensible but you never get a seat that way)........and also finding a seat generally means Im safer from the evil elbow element or a sudden jolt which causes the following should I have to stand up and 'swing' on one of the bars/ poles ;  sudden jerk through arm, down and across intercostal muscles, across rib cage and absorbed by stomach muscles. I can stand, standing is not the problem, but the jolt/ jerk sudden stop action is quite sickmaking! This is also the same for the tube....... so you see finding a seat is sort of preferable. I can protect myself in a seat. Standing side on on an escalator is the best way of avoiding the racers down the escalators and probably ability to walk sideways so you dont get bashed by oncoming traffic also an advantage (eg crablike!)

armour!
I was thinking one of those baby on board badges would be good, after all I feel as protective of my poor little broken bones right now and their ability to re-knit as Im sure most pregnant women are of their bumps! so this is where a sling comes in -  If you are wearing a sling, people do tend to stand back a bit, but not always. Im tempted to staple bubble wrap into the lining of all my coats (summer does have its disadvantages too as with winter you are generally morebundled up and protected!)
now if I was a crab Id have it nailed on both counts, nice exoskeleton, big claw to boff people out the way with and running sideways so people couldnt hit my side (as mentioned before the left is the worst!) the sumo suit has clear advantages in body protection, ability to bounce or roll etc, but I will admit just doesnt fit the bill on the fashion stakes! and I do like my nice clothes!

cab/ car
has natural advantage of door to door and generally more comfort and also someone to help me carry stuff to and fro! speed bumps in Islington where I live are the main discomfort, so that involves taking a deep breath and an all over body clench to absorb the hit and roll action that the cabbie puts you through. One cabbie told me that a pregnant lady who got in about a month ago was about 3 weeks late and she was begging him to hit them as hard and fast as possible in an effort to get the baby going -  Im quite the opposite.....Ive gone slow and cautious in these regards.

crowd control
I generally approach large crowds with a feeling of tension and general fear at the moment. The variables are endless and it never really struck me until now actually just how many there are. I like to be optimistic though, and if youve ever sat in a large station drinking coffee, youll see very few collisions and a general steady stream back and forth, like fish swimming, they all somehow miraculously avoid each other despite varying paces, so on this basis I work! That and a deep breath again. Also it has to be said that large numbers of people are definitely dealt with better in 2's! I can grab hold of the other persons arm (always with them on my left) and they act as protective barrier and hopefully help me carry anything too! one last note is that small children put shivers down my spine. they bonkers about, dont look where they are going and invariably, because thats the way life is, the butter face down on toast theory thing, they will crash into you (and if youre my nephew then this was probably part of the game!)

Im trying the train today! first time on my own, so no luggage being carried  - thats staying at home. Will not be bumpy and jolty Im sure, but were I to be taking luggage, then the lifting onto the train is a major problem. Dragging a bag is not so hard as long as its not heavy, but there is a twisting movement involved and the idea of going through customs at an airport and having to lift stuff on and off a carrousel right now doesnt even bare thinking about! ho hum........ taxi!?

So Im not sure if Ive answered the question, probably bubble wrap as its more likely to have some special sort of fashion statement as well as protective quality...............but sumo would def make me feel safe!

funny reactions!

Well Im not too sure how most people react when they are informed about some nasty thing, but Im guessing that its usually something along the following lines (especially if its about someone else, or they dont know what it is!)
1) make lots of appopriate sorry noises, shock, sadness, upset feeling, slight knot in the stomach or feeling of tension
2) go and look up on wikipaedia or googleit! (if its something you dont understand! oh the wonders of technology these days in our pockets too!)
3) offer some support
4) get on with their own shit.
5) call and chat and do friendly supportive stuff

Now there is nothing right or wrong about the above list (its pretty much what I would do so theres no saying if its right or wrong, who am I to dictate!), it only becomes a problem when actually people start to assume what they think it all actually means. There is some sort of statistic that as a patient you only hear about 40%, if that, of what you are being told and therefore when its something bad you really need someone else there being practical with all the questions and gathering info. They arent quite the same way emotionally involved as you are and can take the info in better -  note to self  -  mum coming to my next appointment next week!.

When I got my letter in the post (I know  -  it was a bit of a shock not to have an actual human being tell me in the first instance) only a week ago in big cap letters : Diagnosis: OSTEOPOROSIS ....I have to say that I then had to read the rest of the letter about 500 times to actually absorb what the hell I was seeing! not just a shock, I didnt think it was possible in someone my age. WIkipaedia on, results, journals, whitepapers, peoples blogs immediately found, within about 10 mins Id got a full perspective of the entirity of my position. And it really DIDNT LOOK GOOD. In fact it looked and still is f*$£ing scarey!!!

Now, I love people and have lots of fab friends and obviously some have been closer to my various dramas more recently than others, so they were the first to hear. They all reacted brilliantly and texted or called immediately (you know who you wonderful people are!) to offer support and just a shoulder to cry on, of which I was definitely holding back the tears and the shock to most! people have offered to cook me dinner -  thank you (but just bear in mind that  Im not very good at clearing up after you ;-) although I love and greatly appreciate the thought and the company,  due to the pain im in !). one person though did not react this way.
they were too tired after a long week, they didnt bother to find out what it was, and they rang me from the pub about 6 hours after I had first texted them the news and that i was in total bits and manic shock! Now why is this all so unreasonable you ask, they were clearly tired after a long week? well this person was the person that I have been supposedly going out with for the past 4 months! needless to say Im not now. Such selfish behaviour is really beyond the pale when your girlfriend has just been told such horrid news. a cuddle and a bit of moral support wouldnt have been hard and would have gone a long way! So, hes gone, yeay! another great piece of news for last Friday, and it wasnt even the 13th !

But it did bring me to thinking about how people react to things. I remember once when I was about 10 one of my mums best friends died very suddenly. I laughed! I was horrified at myself! But I laughed not because I was insensitive and  mean, it just happened. I was shocked and it just came out that way.  This chap clearly couldnt deal with his own crap so having to deal with mine was much too much and his way of dealing with it was to run away. At least I found out now, but it was a bit of a double gasp!

So back to what people hear. Im discovering that people hear "old persons disease..... Treatable.....vitamin deficiency........ and then proceed to tell me that Im actually fine and that its not so bad!  What they dont hear is...... RARE diesase for my age and not curable only manageable, dangerous, life on hold til I know what Im actually dealing with.
So if you do happen to see me or speak to me in the next few weeks, Im basically crapping myself, I feel like my life is somewhat irresolutely over right now, all the stuff I love doing is not allowed any more, I cant drink (much), I cant ride horses, climb mountains, run about or really do anything Im accustomed to doing and Ive got to work out exactly what is left. maybe think about what it means to break everytime you fall over! and then the pain for weeks afterwards...........sorry, its the only way I can put it into some sort of perspective, ie the one Im living in right now. And yes -  Im in a bit of a depressve 'trough' at the moment! Such a contrast to the "up" that I was having this time last year, the parties, the fun, the weddings, the gallavanting around, my job and colleagues (Ive been off work most of the last 5 weeks)  and not least training to climb a mountain, something that I never thought in a million years I would ever do, and now to my horror discover was unbelievably dangerous even back then! Even more so that for the average Joe.......but I climbed that mountain and I got to that peak (with some help!) and the contrast of my life this time last year to what Im facing now is just too much to even take in!

 Ill climb out of that trough sooner or later once I know what Im dealing with, but a good hug and a chat goes a really long way! Oh and just because i have this doesnt mean that Im a leppar and that you now cant invite me to anything  -  I can always let you know what I can and cant do and its still nice to be invited even if I cant do everything -  but I am pretty limited! (I write this as some people have already asked/ said this to me!).

Im trying to draw up an inspirational list of 'fun' things that I can do from here on in......please help! and no silly suggestions please like jumping out of planes etc (actually thankfully Ive done that one already anyway!) although maybe the commedy value of some would cheer me up no end! chuck em in after all, maybe we can get a voting system going on which ones I should be aiming for when I am a bit stronger and less like a brittle twig!

Ive got lifedrawing and learning Spanish and Italian so far! someone I know suggested growing garlic and veggies in my garden so Im doing that one too! maybe I'll become an arts and crafts obsessive and be plying you all with my home thrown pots over the next few years! watch this space..........and add some of your own!

a new diagnosis

......dufuss, accident prone, 2 left feet, dingbat, disaster zone.........just a few of the labels Ive had  given to me over the past 2 years.....yes, its funny and you start to believe it, but actually it turns out there is a reason. On the flip side  Ive climbed Kilimanjaro and recovered from a skiing accident that the doctors told me that my knee (a torn exterior cuciate ligament) would take 18 months or more to build up and be working properly -  I did it in 6 months from Feb 2010 to October 2010 when I climbed Kili and defied them. I guess all that shows is that when you set your mind to something you can overcome it and actually prove 'them ' wrong..... And it turns out that actually Im not any of those things. People have the same 'accidents' and incidents every day of the week, it just turns out that when they get a bruise, I break!! lets hope that same doggedness to fix for Kili will help me in this next few months and the years ahead!

The long and short of it is that I have a very rare and pretty dangerous form of osteoporosis. yep -  to you and me and anyone elses thats an old persons disaease most of the time! But Im 35 and the variant I have makes it super dangeous for me to do pretty much anything right now.It might be genetic, thats being investigated. I have deficiency in Vitamin D (the sunlight vitamin) I have little and no bone density in my ribs, spine and neck and a small amount in my hips. In short, if I fall I break, if I roll over the wrong way I break, if I was to fall off a horse or on a skislope I will break. Its dangerous for me to have kids right now as I would break! basically pretty much my life the way I have been living it the last 20 years means that Im likely to break, which means more pain, more pills, depression, house arrest a fuzzy head from the likes of heroine and morphine based pills and wondering what the hell happened! Now, generally Im active, Im sporty, Im in to anything you throw at me, I love the outdoors, riding, partying and socialising, walking and clearly Ive climbed a pretty significant mountain too! Im in limbo right now whilst I get reffered to yet another specialist to find out just exactly how they are antcipating on treating me and helping me get stronger. For now my life is on hold. For now Im just eating a healthy diet, drinking less, sleeping more, resting more and dealing with the constant pain of the 6 current broken bones I have, that are desperately trying to knit and really struggling to do so! (6 weeks of healing time has become 4 months!!!)

So how did I get to this point? Well it turns out that in that same skiing accident in feb 2010 I also broke a couple of ribs. No big deal I hear you say, and so I thought too. I took some painkillers, took it easy, and even went off on another long weekend trip a month later and with heavy  knee strapping and some painkillers and ibrubrofen gel, thus I managed a few more hours on the slopes, albeight v slowly and cautiously.
I took up a personal trainer and focused on a super healthy diet and bit by bit got my knee to mountain fitness. I climbed a few scottish fells, went to the brecon beacons for a jaunt, lots of running, cycling and spin sessions in the gym and I was fit enough with good lung capacity for climbing a mountain and off I went to Tanzania with a crowd of friends and a few of theirs and 8.5 days later summited at Uhuru after the most exhausting and mind stretching experience of my life. But I will tell that story some other time. Since then I have returned to london, turned 35 and its all gone a bit down hill since.

Christmas work party, lots of fun and cheer, a few coctails and some dancing resulted in being rugby lifted by one of my colleagues (he lifted about 6 or 7 girls up that night I might add as he was on a bit of a roll!) and somehow I came out with a broken and disclocated rib. Now that should have been a  warning sign, but as this started, everyone said, "Well only you sal, it could only happen to you, you duufus, youre so accident prone, never mind, haha!!" I thought the same, why would I think anything else. I made some joke, took the piss out of myself and told a good story that seemed to entertain.
So I pushed through Christmas and New year on heavy (only 30mg codeine) painkillers and some diclofenac and got on with it. Yes a little depressed about feeling broken, single and just 35 but otherwise holding it together!

And then the first BIG accident happened.January 10th, 9.30 getting on the tube at Arsenal, busy rush hour and 'just my luck' got the dodgy doors that slammed shut on me. but this is not where it ends. They slammed, which if you are a daily tube user you know they normally glide shut. If something gets stuck in them they are suppposed to re-open. This DID NOT HAPPEN. They continued to squeeze and squeeze and I couldnt struggle free, nor could I breathe. They had me firmly in their grasp and werent lettting go. Now being fit (see training for Kili!) I did manage to struggle free and pretty much collapsed in the tube. NO, noone helped me -  such is the joy and friendliness of londoners! Somehow, persuading myself I was just winded and that it would pass, I shuffled to work in Holborn. By the time I got there I was white as a ghost, still couldnt breathe, was in shock and a huge amount of pain down my right side ribs! A cab ride and 5 hours of A&E more broken ribs were diagnosed, more painkillers, and 'back to work when you can' was suggested. Only this time I couldnt move, I couldnt get out of bed or get to the corner shop. In short it was horrendous. No real help, as I live on my own and willingly admit that Im rubbish at asking for help. The help that I did ask for didnt come. (I'll write further on how you find yourself reasessing a lot more than just your health at these times in your life, and the quality and actual meaning of some friendships are utterly prooven at these times!) So doctors appointments and much stronger pills -  tramadol 50mg and diclocfenac, plus constant pain, utter knackeration and a fuzzy head, somehow I pushed myself back to work out of frankly huge frustration and large helpings of loneliness. In hindisght I can also see that there was probably a niggle that something nastier was afoot and denial was kicking in too.
6 weeks and a large dose of pigheadedness and I had got to a point where this years skiing trip was upon me. Id got bronchitis due to lungs not being able to work properly directly as a result of the broken ribs -  a common side effect when you break any chest area! So 4 rounds of antibiotics took over from the pain meds and Chamonix offered up some lovely mountain air, a bit of VERY relaxed skiing and general relaxation -  time  out of my more increasingly pill and pain bound existance.
SO  -  by this point Ive been taking painkillers since second week of December and its now March. not a day has gone by without painkillers or antibiotics and of course other than the odd run on the snow, no exercise.
But I thought things would start looking up. I was still getting chest pain from the stretched intercostal ribs ahving foreshortened a bit, but nothing as bad as before......... and then I rolled over in bed in April and discolcated and re-fractured a rib or 2! I know, that just seems totally mad! I mean honestly. how I didnt at this point realise that there was a nasty in wait for me I dont know. probably more of that denial and stubborness kicking in! ( and I know this beacuse when I saw my scans 2 weeks ago the doctor was able to age all the different fractures in my ribs!)
So, yes, you've got it already, more painkillers and more antiinflamatories now taking me to the best part of 6  months on the sodding things. tramadol for bad days, codeine 30mg for better days.
no -  not finished yet.
So Im just starting to come out of that tunnel, back pain etc all being side effects and I go to a work awards dinner. now again probably because Im a bit more cautious, and a bit more worried about myself these days I automatically did the following, but its not what I would have done if I was feeling fit and strong and confident. I was lifting my right foot (in rather beautiful bejewelled heels) off the ground and as i started to sway back a little grabbed the colleague next to me. Now he wasnt totally steady on his feet, as he'd been enjoying the evenings festivities you might say, so in hidsight grabbing him for stability was a bit of a schoolboy error! I hit the ground on my left side and he came down on top to just apply a bit more pressure on the already pretty fragile ribs! I heard and felt them crunch and in a shot I knew it was bad. That same feeling of shock, breathlessness, blood draining from my face and then the delayed reaction of pain. my brain told me it was bad, my bravado told me to put a brave face on and laugh it off. Now think about it. You fall over in a bar or a club or slip dancing or playing sport or sometimes just even on a loose pavement. You get a few bruises and your ego is a bit embarrassed but how often do you break 6 ribs? Really?
well after a long rant at the doctors to send me to a specialist all of whom said it was utterly impossible for me to have osteoporosis and that I was anything but accident prone, as you know from the beginning of this piece, its what I have got and because of my age and so forth, its really pretty serious.
 Its been 9 months of pain and lots of pills and finally I have a diagnosis, but Im jsut waiting for the plan for what next. Its limbo till I hear about that. Next appointment is this week with yet another specialist to find out exactly what they think they should do with me!