SO, as I mentioned in the last post, Ive been having a lot of interesting conversations with some rather lovely and wonderful people recently. It is usually as a result of me asking one pretty simple question.......why is it that people seemingly desert or avoid you when you are ill, unhappy?
Or perhaps if I extend that, its probably a series of questions such as, should I be so upset that I feel abandoned by some people and that they don’t care, am I just being over-sensitive? Why do I feel that people who I thought would really care about me and who I really care about and thought it was a 2 way street would return my sentiments now that my chips are down? In fact why do I feel that my life is so much more important or even of any interest to anyone else that they should take an interest in what Im going through, or for that matter why should anyone really care?
Do I have unrealistic and ridiculously high expectations of people and how we should treat each other when we need help or kindness? If you ask for help should you really expect to get it?
Do people really care, is everyone self centred and just out for themselves? The simple answer to this last one I believe is that in fact everyone is good generally underneath some fascades and generally do care, but they are just busy and living such a fast life themselves that its hard for them to keep up with everything, and that we are all inclined to be selfish when we have to be but that fundamentally people like to help people, but maybe they just cant cope with trying to do everything and survive as well!!
Ive been told so many different stories by friends about how we let each other down:
- One person told me how when her kids were born prematurely that her 2 best friends just went out and got shitfaced and couldn’t be bothered to go and see her, despite knowing that she’d been through a very traumatic birth and that her babies were in another hospital (not with her) and instead of visiting her just hung out together. It was the biggest thing that had ever happened in her life and they knew she was in a bad place. I will add they got ticked off and did apologise, thankfully, but why would they react like that, it seemed to her to be so out of character of them both. But she was utterly at a loss as to why these 2 old old friends had let her down like this. They knew better and she was devastated.
- Another told me how she had eating disorders and all her friends dropped her as a result of the way she looked.
- Another told me how when her father died, after the memorial service everyone just stopped ringing apart from a very small handful.
- One lady friend of my mothers lost her daughter to cancer and people were physically crossing to the other side of the street in town so as to not have to talk to her.
- One old colleague of mines father died and no one asked him about it.
- Another friend of mine got divorced and I was the first person in 3-4 years after it happened to ask him how he was and how he felt about it all (I was getting divorced at the time). He told me that not even his parents had ever asked him how he felt about it all.
- When my father got cancer some people stopped talking to him altogether, others offered help and then never followed through when the time came to actually do it.
- When I was getting divorced certain members of my family and even some of my friends just seemed tongue tied - they never asked me how I was or if I was holding up? They couldn’t say the “D” word, it was as if not only was it an elephant in the room but it had stamped on them and told them that if they mentioned it that it would sit on them and squash them.......
....you might laugh but really, it seems that when people are dealing with bad shit that there are a lot of people out there that however much try to be good and supportive, its just really difficult, get all tied up in knots and just end up ignoring or even avoiding the subject like its a dirty thing to talk about. Perhaps its not human nature to hang out with the weak and ill and distressed? Maybe its Dawinism kicking in in its most simple sense........humans can’t deal with frailty, illness, depression, weakness or misery in others......its as if it might catch - like a bug - they might get it by spending time with that person. Survival of the fittest and all that! But it happens and it happens to all of us all the time and we all do it to each other, it seems more than we like to believe.
And its relevant as I said, to all aspects that we all have to deal with in life, when anything bad happens, we just burry our heads in the sand because we dont want to imagine that it might happen to us somehow too? So avoidance seems the best tactic, or maybe its just that it suits us to think that they are fine really and that the crap that that person is dealing with (illness, death, divorce, financial ruin, redundancy and job loss etc) really hasn’t happened as it has made them different from how we like them or know them to be and they aren’t the same in our minds anymore and this doesn’t fit with our way of categorising them........
I know that so far as my expectations of others goes, is that I try my best to be the person I would like others to be to me, I know I know, it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and I know that I don’t always and often don’t get it right, but I have experienced first hand people being very judgemental, Ive experienced being ignored, teased at school, bullying, the whole gamut in fact of all those rubbishy nasty things that people do to you as you are growing up and becoming the person you are today. But the optimist in me likes to think that everyone is good, and that until they are total to**ers to me that in fact I will give them the benefit of the doubt. But I do suppose that if Im prepared to be someones rock and drive across London at 3 in the morning to help them in a crisis that they might at least return some sort of support when I need it. But what Ive learned is that actually people put you in a pigeon hole and can really only see you as type of person. When you stop being that person for whatever reason, they cant deal with it. You don’t fit their catergorisation of friend, rock, drinking partner, running buddy, confidant, shopping partner, boss, goodtime girl, lover etc.
Others have told me that the closer the friends/family often the harder it is for them to cope.......that, maybe, if someone knows you less well you aren’t disrupting their age old opinion of you and who you are, therefore its easier for them to extend the hand of help and compassion to you, to talk honestly with you and console you, as they don’t have the bonds with you that some one who you've been through so much before with might feel. Therefore you are destroying some memory or basis on which they think of you.
I have also found that people say things to you because they don’t understand and so they just say something that they think will help but in fact to you the listener it just feels hollow or even empty or like they haven’t listened at all.....one of my friends thinks that this is because people don’t know what to say and so they say what they think they should, or perhaps they try and put it into a perspective that they understand so as to try and voice an opinion or assumption that might ‘help’ because its what they believe, but aren’t self-aware enough that they are missing the mark, well at least they are trying I guess. Another friend and I were discussing the quote from Steven Covey....” Most people listen not with the intent to understand, but with the intent to reply “
In essence we all have perspectives on what each of our friends is like, some are the good timers, some are a shoulder to cry on, others the mellow dramatics, others optimists, pessimists, achievers, party animals, organisers, good for a walk in the country or advice, those you always go to in a crisis, your ‘rock’, your best friend,........the list goes on and on and we all have labels if we think about it for everyone we know. I remember earlier in the year that I was discussing arranging supper with a girlfriend one night, who I hadnt seen in months, she made a point of telling me that she was living very quietly and not drinking, which might be a bit disappointing for me given that I like to be such a party animal......I have to say I was mystified by that, the irony was also rather bonkers given that I was on meds and not going out much myself! I know that Im good fun and known for liking socialising, but I was also horrified to think that I seemed to be so 2 dimensional! Surely she knew that it was not just about drinking and good times, but that I was there for her come thick or thin, that we can be here for the bad times as well as the good – surely thats what friendship is all about?? Isn’t it?
It seems to me that also unless you have often experienced something yourself its very hard to put yourself in the other persons shoes. Its like migraine or back problems, until you have actually suffered from them its almost impossible to really sympathise or be compassionate to someone who is suffering.......its another of those mystery invisible illnesses.......you don’t have dark green spots or a big scar for example - something tangibly visible to relate to, you just have pain, and pain surely is for wimps! ;-) ok - so Im being flippant given that actually the vast issue for me the past 10 months has been all to do with pain, but its not until someone is able to find something that they can relate to you in your situation that will allow them to be more supportive, or helpful, kind, compassionate. In fact when we do these things for others we often get a kick out of helping others so why on earth is it so difficult? Thats the bit I still cant work out. What are we so afraid of, surely its not fear or laziness or just being time poor? really ? is it? its not just being an ostrich and believing that if we ignore it long enough it might go away? is it?
One last thing though is that some people have come out of the woodwork and been wonderful and kind and held my hand and made lovely gestures and continue to do so. Others who were much closer to me have disappeared into thin air (they are the disappointing ones) and then there are a couple who have just come through for me and the depth of friendship I have with those couple of people now are highly treasured.
The bottom line is, we all want to feel loved and important and cared for, and there is nothing worse than feeling alone and without hope and someone to hold your hand......
