how do we really feel?

Sadness,
have you ever had one of those overwhelming feelings and you just cant really compute why it kicks in. you've had a nice evening, good company, good chat, but you walk away somehow just feeling undeniably un-escapingly bloody sad. why? was it a lost love, was it bad timing, was it terrible news we glossed over and cheered the other up because in our unique british way we gloss over stuff and avoid and ignore?? could it be that we bereave friends that we loved and somehow they lost the love for us, were we too straight, or honest, did we hurt them and dont know, did we pin our hopes on this person or that and find it was never going to work?did they hurt us, or some trigger was set off by a song or a smell or a phrase?  maybe work, pressure, sex, children got in the way? maybe drugs, love, distance.......god the list is honestly endless, but when it comes down to it you still walk away and think.....what the F**k! Your heart is in your stomach or your knees, and logic, rhyme and reason are out the window, is that whats is at play here.............?


maybe somehow its that we are driven by each other and our influence on each other and how that affects us. People, I dont think put a lot of store by how they affect people nowdays, they do just what suits them, we as a society have just become horribly selfish. its all about us now. its not about putting yourself in the others shoes. it seems rarely about compassion, its just us all existing in our own little worlds. perhaps Im ranting( I entirely blame the couple of glasses of wine I had tonight, naturally rather than a desire the yell this from the rooftops) but Im a bit fed up with it all. who are we trying to kid?


 I watched a tv programme last night about people who had lived over a hundred  -  the summary =  be kind, be optimistic, dont hold grudges,  get up and get on with it, keep active, keep your mind young and SMILE and LAUGH. but one thing that also rang through was that they stuck with people they cared about and didnt quit, they didnt run away from shit, they dealt with extraordinary things,  the war and bombs and crisis and loss, the depression, 35% of graduates walking the streets.... and serious bloody stuff that none of us have ever had to deal with  -  our worlds being blown apart and destroyed.....not them..... these people have lived not only 3 lifetimes on us, but the experiences of 5 or 6.....what a moral barometer they set!!!


so my latest dramas in comparison (because its all about me ;-) ).......I lost a cm in height in the last 6 months -  now that could be crappy back spasm and and pain just curving me over, spine starting to crumble,  and maybe I can find it again, but its a weirdly big deal right now. bones still hurt, no change there! friends still in their own worlds (london and life these days).....made new friends and I hope that continues, as people you meet at all times of life add to and shape you increasingly......bigger job, more stress and more satisfaction, family happy, projects created, fitness increasing......its generally all positive,


 and then 


it kicks in when least expected -  we all get it and its churlish to say we dont. even those who have been blessed still feel a foreboding at times! some blame the weather. some look at themselves and ask why,.... many dont! but is there a sense of entitlement now, are we too lucky and take people and life for granted? whatever it is we all feel a bit sad at times, inexplicably?!!! yes. We do. lost, juggling, racing to keep up, or just dont care. relationship hell, out of sync, out of control or maybe just a bit discombobulated, or maybe just a song playing. but on the surface its all fine, better than ages in fact......


 messed up? arent we all?  no, I think its more. its choice again. as to how we decide to react. ignore, face up to it, or just throw ourselves into a million projects......


but still we can feel sad. and I dont think its a bad thing. so we sodding should. maybe its our way of stopping and reviewing stuff. letting go of things and people  that hurt us, making sense of everything. dismantling things that we need to understand......whatever the reasons, its nature.


I have fought this stuff, been upbeat, told people often what they want to hear, often. and often been frank and straight and said what I feel (if you dont how would they ever know?)


 you ask a question.....how often do you want the honest answer?


but tonight I had a great night, yet I walked away feeling sad.......its life. Im here, and tomorrow is a new day.