life is like........

....have you ever been stressed or upset and you find yourself doing something quite unexpected? Im talking about doing a Forrest Gump and running when you previously hated it, or baking cupcakes when you have never whipped up a batch in your life, or starting to doodle something having hated art at school, singing, dance, smoking, I dont know what, Im sure the list is endless.

Well, when I was getting divorced about 4  years ago I found myself having a Forrest moment.....running a LOT! It was therapeutic. When I got stressed about it all I'd throw on my trainers, hook up to the ipod and run. Now, Im no marathon runner, really, and I still have no ambition whatsoever to do one. This was just running wind, rain, sun and snow! and yes I got fit, slim and found that the natural endorphins were doing me the world of good!

A few years on, and another round of challenges, and Im running again. Well I say running, its more of a fast walk right now, given my bones and pain and all that stuff, but Im pounding the streets all the same. Im walking to and from work - 50 mins each way! Im hiking the streets again come rain or shine and its sort of strangely clearing the horrid fog in my head that has descended in the last year.  And yes -  in truth it is REALLY helping. Must be all those endorphins again! and the fact that Im actually able to walk and move this year in contrast to the complete disabled state of last!

You have to take control in order to stop feeling like the victim and as we all know we have a choice in everything, whether its sticking out a bad relationship, being nice/ nasty to someone, taking that job, quitting that job etc etc.......of course you cant control what others say or do to you, but you can control how you choose to react to them. That has been a tough one for me recently, having been ostracized by a bunch of friends on account of apparently being honest about how I felt about something that was in fact really upsetting me. I know we are English and therefore it is law that even if someone is rude, unkind or insensitive that apparently we absolutely come-what-may NEVER actually tell them how they are affecting us, we must keep that stiff up lip and simply zipit! I didnt do that and hence my issue -  I broke the law!

I was finding that I was increasingly upset and stressed, really upset and distraught. Increasingly  paranoid that in some way Im just some terrible person and Ive clearly done something awful to have been punished not only by a lifelong condition being thrown at me, but to then double up on finding people adding their own form of judgmental punishment on top  -  just to add cream to the pie! But as I said, it all comes down to how you choose to react to that, that and accepting that I had a  choice or not in the first place as to whether I tell the person how they were affecting me! I can (choose to) be the victim, and I was definitely feeling it. I can also decide that actually those that treat me like that are either so un-self aware, are very aware of what they are doing or simply not the friends I  thought they were, especially if tehy stop talking to me on account of that! (that last one is the toughest actually to deal with, and acknowledge -  especially when they are the people you spend the most time with and have shared private thoughts, time, holidays, weddings etc with) I can only hope that it isnt that last one! Really!

Anyway, I deviate, I was stressed and upset. My plug hole was sucking me down. I was circling rapidly towards an unspeakable place........just like when I was getting divorced and was starting my life again. I had left a home, all my belongings and had to start from scratch back then and I remember feeling the same sense of panic then as I have done of late. What will the future bring, can it get better, who, how, what would come along? And that was when I started running! My feet just carrying me along. This time its pacey walking! It clears my head, it lifts the fog, it raises me out of that navel gazing that we are all prone to doing when down in the dumps! The endorphins are going again and Im feeling more positive. There is no real change in the stuff that triggered this, but I can but hope that its a phase! Im choosing to get on with things, its the best I can do! actually its the only choice I want to make!

So I joined the gym -  Im swimming 3 x a week. Im walking and Im doing pilates! RPS has kicked in, the butt is being worked, the muscle memory is kicking back in! And Im pulling a Forrest Gump. so if you dont get an answer on my phone, Ill prob be out having a walk!

What was it that Forrest said?  "Life was like a box of chocolates ....You never know what you're gonna get......" In short -  you can always choose!