....like a seive!

.......and Im not just talking about my memory!

Another day another 20 accupunture needles! I feel like a pin cushion, or even, yes, you got it, a seive! Today the wangerama dealt with recent batch of sleepless nights, a fresh and snotty cold and sinus pain and finally a bunch more headaches -  the migraine variety! The number of those have increased since Ive got my hormones back, so more regular now on  the monthly cycle, but there are the random ones too!

Am back at work part time now, brain busy and feeling more positive, if somewhat tired. Body is getting a bit stronger on a daily basis though and my stamina is definitely improving. Only thing I seem to have noticed is that Ive normalised with my pain levels. It is constant in my ribs, and cold days I do notice it more, but Im pretty stuck on current level of pain killers, less and I cant do much, more and I do too much as cant actually feel any pain. I sort of need to be on the knife edge between pain and not , so that I can actually manage what level of activity is realistic and feasible.

Yes, Im starting too to fantasise about running again, doing some exercise, maybe even some pilates classes, as, with every day the ribs heal a tiny bit more, the stretch is less, the stamina is better and so life feels a tiny bit more normal. I read daily updates on Inspire about peoples' cases of OP and how they suffer and how they manage. I do weirdly seem to have a ridiculous record of breaks in a year.........21 seems to take the piss a bit in regards to others stories. 1 is bad, but 21 unreal......and thats my story. I feel the bubble ever more around me.......a sort of surreal and parallel universe.......where did this year go, how have the months slipped by, well I suppose the fog of killers and pain and spaciness from all the drugs is enough but it does all seem like it sort of happened to someone else. isnt it funny how the mind can trick the body. Im actually no better really than a few months ago. my spine readings are still horribly low (-3.2 T score -  thats pretty bad by the way as many with this disease have readings around -2.5! -4 is even worse and more rare!). My bone density is basically shocking still and the fact that you can squeeze me a few times and I break is pretty scary, however, the one HUGE difference for me now is that the pain of so many breaks is finally relieving itself. Assuming no more accidents, bear hugs or drunk colleagues fall on me then I should be alright. Im avoiding the rush hour traffic, got great at negtiating round pissed people, no bicycle action, horses, sports or wayward dancing! and all this alone is allowing me to feel a bit more 'normal' a bit more functional and like actually life might now beat me on this one.

A close friend recently compared me to a fine bone china......I like that comparison......a fine and somewhat fragile cup and saucer that is handled with love and care......and NOT left on the shelf just to look at but can still be used daily if you just handle with a little bit more thought and attention.......you dont bung it in the rucsack, picnic basket or jam it in the dishwasher......but there is no real reason not still to use it and enjoy the tea in! so a mental shift from humpty dumpty to fine china is I think a more positive and fitting approach.

Wangerama (Dr Wang my chinese doctor and accupuncturist) is funny. He told me I look young and vibrant today and he thinks Im very 'powerful'  -  his words not mine! he basically said that he thinks the fact that Im getting on with work, that Im still living life, that Im out there and not being a victim is the best thing possible. If you sit and moan and feel sorry for yourself instead of just getting on with it, not only is it all a bit depressing, and an ever decreasing downward spiral but its a negative state of mind that will never help -  (I know it all sounds a bit obvious, but its not always the easiest thing to do!). He told me the fact that Im back at work is massive as many of his clients with ME/ MS/ stroke victims, bone cancer and disease and even fertility issues, just give up and allow themselves the excuse of the illness/disease to sit about and feel sorry for themselves. His belief that positive mind = positive body and thus faster progress and recovery is the key. Its reassuring to hear this from him of course and I dont think Ive ever really allowed myself to be a victim. Yes I still have spectacularly bad days where its all a bit beyond the pale of actually getting my head round this thing, or dealing with the constant aches and pains, or the random shittyness that I can feel, either emotional or physical and vomitty. Ive just had to accept that this happens and this is just the way it is. No big deal its just part of how it is now........and when I do that it somehow doesnt feel so bad. I think I do have an occasional moan Im sure (apologies now if you are the one that gets it!), but Im also quite bored of sounding like I moan all the time in my own head, so Id rather just not comment and talk about the other persons stuff where possible! PLEASE JUST SHOOT ME OR TELL ME IF IM MOANING A LOT! apart from anything else, its just not a good state of mind for me to get better and through the day with. AND YES, when Im having a bad one, I turn on the cheesiest tune I can as loud as possible (when Im at home) and have a sodding good sing along......it works a treat! that or kicking a huge pile of leaves in the park is working too!

so my friends, life is rolling on and the tick of time continues in its consistent and unrelenting way of plodding forward..........but with it eases pain and boredom, and health and positivity return! Time heals......of course it does, but so it seems do a few needles and a bit of encouragement!