Its a concept for most that is hard to really grasp. I can also relate to that, as I remember when my mother had constant back pain, when I was a child, and I could never really fathom why she looked ok and yet insisted that she could barely stand or walk. That is the problem with pain - its there, the person is suffering, but other than a grimace, or pale complexion, a few tears or so, there is no obvious outer sign of what is being endured.
Im now back in full swing of a more 'normal' life. I work everyday again, I try and see friends occasionally and have a bit of a social life now and then! I carry my own shopping, I even managed to do a bit of gardening last weekend, went for a walk, drive the car, take public transport etc. So all in all a pretty normal existence you might think.
The reality though is a bit more complex than all of that.
Yes, most mornings I stretch out in bed, greet the cat, and the first question that usually crosses my mind is what pain level today? Im normally around about a 1 or 2 first thing in the morning! A bumble and stumble with stiff limbs and sore joints into the bathroom and the baking hot shower usually serves to revive and warm me through to get me a bit more functional. I am challenged of course with the usual crisis that most women have every morning of course with what to wear and that provides something of a brief distraction, until I realise that due to lack of activity and eating a few too many naughty things, plus copious pills that have utterly disrupted my whole system, over the past year as way of comfort that I then despair that actually the dress I want to wear is now a bit tight! bleugh! That daily trauma over and Im generally in gear and out of the house quite soon.
I still have about 10 different pills every morning to take, magnesium citrate, calcuim, vit d, vit e, zinc and vit c combo, iron, my magic Chinese potion, co-enzyme q10 and Im off! should be too on that lot! but Im basically taking the magnesium, zinc and Iron cos Im knackered all the time. The magnesium is also meant to be good for bones and healing and bad sleep patterns. Co-enzyme is also good for immune and healing. vit e, hair and bones. You get the picture. And then there are the real drugs. Im still taking the naproxen anti inflamatory 1- 3 times a day. and then its a quick decision when I roll into the office as to whether its the 20mg codeine or the 30mg? I have a draw full of painkillers in the office or all types. If the tube journey has been bad of course Im on the 30mg. If Im having a better day its the 20. Naturally the lower the number the better in terms of side effects. I still get a nauseaous feeling with them and the higher dosages Im just a bit more fluffy headed! I still have to write nearly everything down all the time, but that's not such a bad practise in meetings and making decisions all the time anyway!
I have to say that I thought that by now Id be 'more stable'. Im pretty level with the pain and its just a way of life now mostly, but its also a bit catch 22. I will turn into a total slug if I dont do more exercise and activity, but its really quite painful to do so. when I do, I cease up, I get stiff, I have higher pain levels all which I have to keep pushing through to try and combat having no core muscles (which hold me upright) and arms and legs now like jelly rather than the more toned appendages that got me up a mountain a while back. So slug I am at the moment. Im not sure how many slugs grew muscles, some might argue they are just one slimy muscle that slopes about, but whilst I dont think Im so similar to one (at least I hope Im not there yet), it seems that my body is going that way. My back hurts all the time, as do my ribs still - I guess they are STILL healing, I feel a bit without a spine frankly as sitting up sometimes is really quite painful. The muscles I do have stretch and hurt like hell too - probably from extreme underuse! Its a form of fibromyalgia I believe - constant aches in your muscles and bones - another condition to add to my list!
......the last 2 months has been something of a roller coaster again starting with all those test in January, the ups and downs and further uncertainty being lobbed over the fence at me - constantly questioning, what , why, how come and is there something more that is driving all this.......tumours, spine fractures, or just crappy genetics!?
I went away to the sun to get more vitamin d and warmth in my bones. A nice alternative to the usual skiing trips at this time of year! I thought that the sun would help the pain, but it didnt. I had pain every day. It was devastating. Actually it knocked me back a lot. I had it in my head that living in the heat would really help. Maybe I just need to move to a hot country, but it didnt seem that way even after 2 weeks of hot sun in the Caribbean (I peeled 3 times - thats how brown I was and how much sun I got, and dont go starting on about skin cancer now........I used factor 30!!). That and getting back to my work schedule (no stamina still so constantly knackered, but I am improving day by day) and of course the daily struggle with my body not doing what I want it to do.
Pain as I have said before is knackering! yes yes, I keep going on about it. I have had a bad couple of months though. I get back from the sun, and BAM into the next downward spiral. In kicks in a round of drinking myself bonkers on a Friday night after a long week (not so uncommon I know), total denial and utter misery. "Wits end" some people call it. Depression setting back in, feeling pretty wretched generally. I bit the dust again! by the time I got to Easter I was holding down a job and getting through the day and then just functioning through the evening to start the next day. I dont really talk about this stuff to anyone, I put on my face in the morning and get on with it all. You have to dont you!? but it doesnt really help. Actually it gets worse and worse. The more you feel the less you tell and externalise it. You think people are bored, you think people are disinterested - actually mostly they are, they only ask out of politeness and then you see their faces cloud over.......so this thing grows inside you and starts to eat away........the big black cloud decends and there really doesnt feel like much of the silver lining that everyone promises and goes on about!
But I do know that the only person who can get through this all is me! Its my shit to deal with, its the challenge that I have been handed by some fateful signal out there in the ether that has set me this goal. Get on with it, pick myself up and find a way to actually function day to day and find a way of living that doesnt feel so compromised all the time. I do feel compromised. My whole life feels at times like it has dropped down through a plug hole...... All the sports and activities I love to do - the stuff that makes me me, or so I thought! I found my riding boots and chaps under the bed last weekend, the ski boots, the sailing gear and the windsurfing kit. I cant use them but I refuse to throw them away! Am I mad or just hopeful that one day maybe there is the slimmest chance I can use them again. Or do I just defy the doctors!?mmmm
I do know that my job, and my interests in art and culture, travelling and music are all still there, it hasnt all gone, but I have to focus on those things to find a lift! So its time to rehabilitate.
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