A year of contrasts, contradiction and discovery

Well, its a funny thing this isnt it, its 5am, Im wide awake again, eating a chocolate snowman that santa gave me, in fact I just ate his head, and I find myself thinking back over the year as so many of us do as we see one rolling to a close.

Its truly been a year of discovery for me, and not really quite what I expected either this time last year, but nevertherless one of great learning and understanding of the human conditions.

Its also been a year of contradictions -  quite litterally:
1) approval and criticism - Ive been 'given approval', in fact actively encouraged to write this blog and on the flip side critisised for being too open, public and sharing all my 'private' matters with the world. So, it seems that people are divided on my sharing my illness in this way.

2) supported and abandoned/dropped - many have seen my illness and the pain Ive been in as something to share, help and hold my hand (some litterally, others verbally) on this journey, in fact a couple of old friends have shown their true colours and given me wonderful support, and even a group of new ones have been there too -  some conversely have decided that its not worth the bother and those that I thought were particularly close to me in the past couple of years have 'abandoned me'. (nb: moment of self pity whilst I peruse the list of 'close friends' who have barely spoken to me all year......I guess they werent so close after all and I was just dim for assuming that they even gave a s&*t about me, either that or they are those 'good time people' who only want to spend time with fit and healthy fun people(see earlier blog post)! -  thank god for REAL friends  -  you know, the ones who hold your hand through thick and thin, good and bad, illness and health .  And yes I am aware that in writing this Im even less likely to actually hear from some people as they take massive further offence at my public moanings......ho hum, I guess its what they call in meditation as 'cutting the cords' -  letting people go  -  although actually that is meant to be with sympathy and love and forgiveness. DO I forgive them  for hurting me?.......YES (although they probably think they should be the ones to forgive me and that Im being incredibly patronising by even suggesting that they hurt me!). I have to. Id be heart broken otherwise. Depression is hard enough to deal with without having to feel bad about all those people hating me as well. I have come to realise that some people just pass through your life -  REASON, SEASON, LIFETIME!. Some, conversely, stick around, and some love you no matter what!. As I mentioned in a previous blog -  its something to do with survival of the fittest - some people simply cant cope with sick people or those struggling with stuff. Those of us that have had to deal with those things perhaps are a bit more self aware and more able to be compassionate, understand and stick with it, and support and understand those who need it.

3) Ive liked and lost and learned. Back in June when I was diagnosed I was going out with a chap who all he wanted was a stable relationship and to settle down -  just not with someone who was sick! That one rocked my world as I contended with both a diagnosis and being 'dumped' for it -  on the same day!!!.......honestly, it made me feel utterly unlovable and like no one would ever want to spend time with someone as broken as I - and I thought love was supposed to overcome that stuff. Again, in counter to that I was told by a lovely man that I was like fine china and could still be loved and cared for, just a bit more delicate than the standard dishwasher fare that we use day to day! (I always knew I was the royal doulton stuff and not ikea ;-)

4) time flies, and can go SOO slowly. With months of staring at ceilings lying down, drugged out of my mind on painkillers, time has seemed to stop at times. I couldnt focus on the tv, reading a book, barely could a magazine hold my attention for more than 5 mins at a time, would forget what I was saying half way through a sentance. Time seemed to float and drift in a bubble of nothingness. And yet I have no idea where this year has gone. Its disappeared so fast, I feel as though I have lost whole months of my life (in fairness I lost 5 to severe painkillers and morphine!) I know as we get older, time seems to speed up. Im used to filling my life with events adventure, people and places to justify the speed at which time seems to pass. Its been a quiet year on at least 3 of those 4 for me this year!

5)Highs and lows - god this one covers everything.
Firstly - diagnosis highs, followed by further opinions that disqualify previous theories or disagree with previous thoughts leading to lows of new things to deal with, more tests, more hospitals and more disagreement as to how, what and why!
Secondly, love and hate. I love my friends dearly and believe I am loyal and honest with them, perhaps my fault here is I say what I feel -  at least im what I say on the tin and not a bullshit artist specialising in hoodwinking and pandering to people. I find myself feeling constantly hurt and low by peoples actions, possibly I have bought this on myself and deserve it, but there seems such a willingness amongst some to just drop you at the first sign of disagreement, illness, sadness, weakness, disapproval. Maybe life is too fast now and we chuck away friends like we chuck away white goods -  we cant keep up with everyone so have to find the smallest reason to cull and cut back to make our worlds more manageable for our own shit to be dealt with! people are as disposable as broken gadets! hence there seems to be a lot of hate. that makes me sad.
Thirdly - kindness and bitterness - the highs and lows like sugar rushes from eating too many chocolate snowmen no doubt!  one seems to trade the other. like happiness and jealousy! if you are happy someone is always jealous. if you are kind or have experienced kindness, then someone will try and kill it with bitterness and nastiness. these are lifes balances and I guess we wouldnt appreaciate the good stuff it the bad didnt also happen.
fourthly - pain and no pain -  drug induced coma type bluriness of cotton wool and marshmallows and fluffy clouds, followed by the neausea of trying to stand up or roll over, stabbing pain, muscle spasm and feint head as you roll back in a screech of dismay.
fifthly -  work and no work, brain and no brain, engagement and boredom, productive and unproductive, tasks and teams and none of these. These are the contrasts and highs and lows of being off work incapacitated. Getting back to work, my team, my friends there has been a total joy. I never realised how important a nice job, good colleagues and getting stuff done and feeling needed by that was so important -  perhaps I took it for granted before, perhaps I didnt really like my job (I do now) and perhaps I didnt appreciate what I had  -  but I certainly do now.

And finally glass half full (never half empty!) -  I have certainly proved to myself that despite all the crap this year (and in previous others) that Im definitely a glass half full optimistic type of person. Ive endured some shitty stuff and come through it all -  I was attacked and beaten up living in Russia years ago, Im divorced, Ive dealt with alcoholism(not me but someone close to me who suffers), depression (family friends and self!), verbal and mental abuse and a lot of pain, sadness and illness around me and with me my family and friends. BUT what I do know is that I climbed a mountain last year despite back pain that I thought would destroy me. I did it against my own odds. I recovered from all the items above and have learnt from them. out of something shit always comes something good.
People are generally good, but often stressed, confused, hormonal, in pain, having a bad day, lost and therefore it might be something other than what you think, that is upsetting them and hence affecting you!
If you smile people cant help but smile back. If someone is having a bad day, ask them if they are and they will be surprised that you even noticed.
If you complain people are more likely to dismiss you.
Most people hate hearing the truth, so either dont tell them or know that if you do they will probably react badly to it, so accept your choice to tell them  unless of course you are telling them how fabulous and wonderful and important to you they are!
We have a choice with everything we do and everything we say, to whom and when and how. We dont have to be victims in our own little worlds, we can take control and do our best to combat everything that is thrown at us.

My new years reslolutions are to focus on compassion, health and wellbeing, and of course LOVE. I will forgive and forget and pray/ hope that others will overlook my shortcomings too.