Time goes by.......and new opportunity....

Its been some time since my last post and as usual nothing has stopped! The world has kept on turning, time has kept ticking past and life has continued!

When was the last time you caught yourself saying something like...."I cant believe where the year has gone", or "is it really nearly Christmas?", "where did the summer go?" As we all do as children, we focus on the next big exciting date and it always seems forever to have to wait! And then as we start to get older time seems to go into fast forward......we've had more experiences, things take no time at all in comparison, we know what to expect, blink and something has been and gone. I keep my diary full of shows, theater,  art galleries, seeing friends, learning new things, reading a good book, because too often I have sat and looked back over the past couple of weeks or months and felt little sense of accomplishment.......sure Ive got up and gone to work! Ive worked hard and made progress on projects  Ive had challenges and made decisions......but its all in a days work right? so what about all the other stuff? if you dont take care it passes you by and nothing has changed at all. All that saving for tomorrow and those odes about never saving for tomorrow what can be done today and all that? When also did you last just look back over your day and feel that you did something really good.......helped someone...that you made the world a better place? gave something of yourself willingly graciously generously? did you have any impact on the world at all in your own way today?

Im pondering this stuff a lot at the moment...I want to start really changing the way I think and do and am. I believe that over the past year I have taken great steps towards that in how i have approached my recovery and dealt with the bones, diagnoses and pain......the outcome......well generally its all very positive. I have defied medicine in so much that im not a total train wreck still, humpty dumpty is definitely back together again, hes been re-plastered, repainted and in full working order in fact! You'd never spot where the cracks and chips were! the bones are getting very slowly but surely stronger........
 Ive mastered the pain management and am now OFFICIALLY PAIN FREE! and Im desperately trying to get my strength and self back to normal so as to get on with all that fun, learning, adventure and craziness that is that way I live!

Have you ever heard the phrase....." you dont need a new year to make a change, all you need is today?"
someone asked me that question recently and I made a decision on the back of it! Im not prepared to see if Im still doing the same thing in 5 years time and dealing with the same stuff, Im actively changing that picture and focused on it happening now! AND its happening!

I have a LOT going on. Im one of those people who probably tends to do change all at once....or sometimes it seems that way anyway. I chuck it all up in the air and wait to see what order it all falls back down and where. That sounds rather drastic I know and of course the project manager plans it into some sort of order, peps me up and gives me a tutting lecture so that I can actually see what will come down in what order, but when I do chang anything in my little world it seems to set off a whole motion of events and changes and always for the better. I was told when I was 12 years old that its not worth moaning about missing out on opportunity, you let them slide past and didnt grab them if you are.....its about being open enough to recognize them as they shimmy past and grabbing them.....and shaping them. Some might say that illness can do that for you if you are open to it. It changes your perspective, it allows you to change your approach, your attitude and if you allow it to, you can change anything you want; you just have to do it! If you can beat an illness or disease and the circumstances that they come with then you can do anything.......its a bit like climbing a mountain!

Back in the summer I got the builders in. A 2 year plan finally coming to fruition.........a side return with a roof terrace (its just finishing and Im getting my fantastic new house back! ). Then I started a new plan b business that is building amazing opportunity for me and those around me to live the lives we really dream and aspire to. Then I lost my job! but as one door opens the other swung shut........redundancy can be a VERY liberating experience and I can see so much possibility opening up to me, and I can only look back upon the last years hardships, pain, upset, heartbreak and rollercoaster ride with a sense that maybe it has all led me to this?

I have made some new friendships, Ive become much closer to even my closest, Ive moved on from a few and Im repairing others! Reason, season, lifetime! (it keeps coming back that phrase! -  thanks Magnus!) Im seeing opportunity in every disaster, mistake, f+*&up I have ever made.......yes this is the voice of the eternal optimist.

YES yes, it helps not to be taking mind shifting, pain numbing morphine metabolising pain killers any more......man they really mess with you...........depression, lethargy, losing all sense of time, perspective, reason and self......its a bigger recovery than just healing bones and getting mobile again! I lost a lot of time last year.....and now Im running to grab it all back.....people say thats not possible.......i disagree. you can, you just gotta get up off the sofa, stop watching telly and do the stuff that inspires you, and if you dont know what that is, cos youve gone brain dead in a coma of warm fluffy cushiony laziness, then pick one thing that you never did before each week and do it however small - inspiration comes from the smallest gains and whilst I was stuck in my daily coma I did manage to find a few small things to get me going again!! I have surrounded myself with a few key but amazingly wonderful people and they inspire me every day. Ive got plenty of time to sleep when Im dead! life is now. Im harping on about all this as one of the toughest things last year to deal with was the inability to do much at all.....for myself, or for anyone else. time did slip past almost incoherently in a way that horrified me at times.....whole weeks and conversations and moments lost due to pain and frustration and largely the drugs erasing so much from memory or even possibility!

I watched a lot of the paralympics. Those people are frankly my inspiration......they do it EVERY sodding day......they change their lives and get on with it! nothing holds them back and if they fail they keep on trying. Edison tried about 10 thousand times before he created the electric lightbulb..... that means he failed 9999 times before....but he had faith and belief and focus. thank god he did!

I wont give up on most people, I wont give up ever on myself (Ive proven to myself again that I can beat tough stuff thrown at me) and I will keep on doing........