Tuesday, 1 December 2015
Peaks and troughs!: Anxiety!
Peaks and troughs!: Anxiety!: anxiety noun 1 . a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. "he felt a surg...
Anxiety!
anxiety
In the past year I have gone through a number of traumatic personal experiences that are not related to the Osteoporosis but, and I will admit, was pretty concerned that the stress and upset of the experiences would have a major impact and even negatively reversing effect on my bones.
Stress as we know is a major issue as it effects cortisol levels which in turn knock your hormones out of sync, which effects your stress coping mechanisms, as well as numerous other reactions like getting snappy, tired, short tempered, resigned, disconnected, forgetful, intolerant, short attention span.
So what is it with the Anxiety then? I rarely suffer from anxiety, but I did much earlier in the year and it was at times rather terrifying. The thing about it is that you go in circles so you stress yourself more, because you know you are anxious and then that exacerbates the situation. Shortness of breath, tight chest, feeling hot and cold, panicky, unreasonable, sometimes palpitations as you are trying to sleep as your heart seems to be galloping like a horse round a course - hell for leather! Insomnia can kick in, brain whirring, a feeling fear and foreboding but you aren't sure what about, its like an every present black cloud just about or near you, lurking in an ever lingering ''Im going nowhere'' ominous kind of way. Shrugging off that cloud is tough. It takes calm, support, love, reassurance, someone to believe in you, but it also take you the sufferer to actually sit down and really look at what it is thats bothering you!
I had to force myself to sit down and write a list! I wrote - in fact it sort of spewed on to the page - all the things I was worried about, but then something more came out, things that I really didn't want to admit to myself let alone anyone else, and thats when I knew that I had hit the issues! Anxiety is often derived from those darker fears, the ones that go against your true self, against your gut feel. These are the nub of the issue and until you can identify and face these the anxiety can't be released or dealt with or faced up to!
Its funny, whenever I have done anything in my life that was truly against my gut feel and against what I personally call my 'true north' - my inner self and belief system and guiding hand, I have battled with it, reasoned with it, justified it, persuaded it and trying to purssuade myself, yet it grows stronger and more deliberate like a bear banging the cymbals beside your head - it jolts you, your body vibrates and your head is ringing.........the inner knot solidifies inside you, and then clenches as it grows.......you get a tightness in the throat, and a sick feeling, your head feels fuzzy, panicky wobbles start to sweep through your body, sometimes tears and uncontrollable crying ........so why oh why do we fight this stuff! ITS NOT A GOOD FEELING. It also drives an adrenaline style shock through the body as you try to regain control again.........maybe its this that we use to move us forward, but what ever it is, when you suddenly realise what is the actual core ball of anxiety causing all this, its both terrifying and a relief.......
So I Wrote that list, and then I wrote the stuff underneath that list, and underneath that - its what in NLP terms we call chunking down, or peeling back deeper and deeper to find the root cause.
I had to make some decisions about whether ignoring the gut feel and that 'thing' was something I could carry on with. It seemed like a huge wall, built all around me, but then a small brick seemed to slip and then another and bit by bit they were crumbling down. Now Im not saying that any of this process was pretty, or happy, or in any way a good place to be, but the anxiety knot was easing - I was taking control again, of my own gut feel, and allowing it to steer me back on track again........pointing me back to true north.
There are a few techniques I used to help me and they are pretty simple:
BREATHING- Everyone talks about breathing, but this really does work (I took a few classes in Hatha Yoga to learn how) and that identified for me an easy way to control the feeling as it was welling up. Meditation is also good for balancing your breathing and centring yourself to restore a bit more calm.....
DANCING - yes - this might seem a mad one, but if you have ever watched Greys Anatomy you'll know what Im on about when you're having a truly rubbishy shitty day and your person pulls you up to your feet, sticks on the cheesiest tunes (I find Living in Electric Dreams is an instant winner!) and you dance - who cares how or what you look like, but damn it works, you are so busy bopping about that you sort any sense of anxiety with a shot of endorphin, silliness and by getting out of breath, your brain is now focusing on that and not that thing you're anxious about! - ok so this won't resolve anything but it gets rid of that nasty rising feeling dealt with.
WRITING THE LIST - and then the other lists - dont worry you dont have to share them! but by writing it down it really helps clarify where its coming from. It may be rational or irrational fears that you have grown up with..............things like NLP timeline therapy, tapping and hypnotherapy can often help with dealing with and releasing some of those!
DO ONE THING - take one thing on the list, it doesn't matter how small it is, but go and deal with it! Get it done. Because feeling overwhelmed is all part of it, and by doing even one thing, it is reshaping the issue to something more copyable with and you can break it down bit by bit!
Anxiety is also something that OP sufferers feel - they can be anxious of falling, leaving the house and hurting themselves, breaking something from lifting, or twisting..........this is a rational anxiety, as its well founded in sufferers and is a very real risk; but where we have to be careful is that the more we focus on some of these things, the more likely they are to actually happen - WHY - because when we get anxious we tense up, and when we tense up, our body is not flowing freely and our limbs aren't swinging the way they were designed - this can put us off balance and cause a fall.........
I found this article below recently and wanted to share as its a really great thorough summary of how to support someone with Anxiety. and lots of great insights too.........
http://curebank.info/13-things-to-remember-if-you-love-a-person-with-anxiety/
noun
- 1.a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome."he felt a surge of anxiety"
synonyms: worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation,
uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude, perturbation,
fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension,
tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense;
Stress as we know is a major issue as it effects cortisol levels which in turn knock your hormones out of sync, which effects your stress coping mechanisms, as well as numerous other reactions like getting snappy, tired, short tempered, resigned, disconnected, forgetful, intolerant, short attention span.
So what is it with the Anxiety then? I rarely suffer from anxiety, but I did much earlier in the year and it was at times rather terrifying. The thing about it is that you go in circles so you stress yourself more, because you know you are anxious and then that exacerbates the situation. Shortness of breath, tight chest, feeling hot and cold, panicky, unreasonable, sometimes palpitations as you are trying to sleep as your heart seems to be galloping like a horse round a course - hell for leather! Insomnia can kick in, brain whirring, a feeling fear and foreboding but you aren't sure what about, its like an every present black cloud just about or near you, lurking in an ever lingering ''Im going nowhere'' ominous kind of way. Shrugging off that cloud is tough. It takes calm, support, love, reassurance, someone to believe in you, but it also take you the sufferer to actually sit down and really look at what it is thats bothering you!
I had to force myself to sit down and write a list! I wrote - in fact it sort of spewed on to the page - all the things I was worried about, but then something more came out, things that I really didn't want to admit to myself let alone anyone else, and thats when I knew that I had hit the issues! Anxiety is often derived from those darker fears, the ones that go against your true self, against your gut feel. These are the nub of the issue and until you can identify and face these the anxiety can't be released or dealt with or faced up to!
Its funny, whenever I have done anything in my life that was truly against my gut feel and against what I personally call my 'true north' - my inner self and belief system and guiding hand, I have battled with it, reasoned with it, justified it, persuaded it and trying to purssuade myself, yet it grows stronger and more deliberate like a bear banging the cymbals beside your head - it jolts you, your body vibrates and your head is ringing.........the inner knot solidifies inside you, and then clenches as it grows.......you get a tightness in the throat, and a sick feeling, your head feels fuzzy, panicky wobbles start to sweep through your body, sometimes tears and uncontrollable crying ........so why oh why do we fight this stuff! ITS NOT A GOOD FEELING. It also drives an adrenaline style shock through the body as you try to regain control again.........maybe its this that we use to move us forward, but what ever it is, when you suddenly realise what is the actual core ball of anxiety causing all this, its both terrifying and a relief.......
So I Wrote that list, and then I wrote the stuff underneath that list, and underneath that - its what in NLP terms we call chunking down, or peeling back deeper and deeper to find the root cause.
I had to make some decisions about whether ignoring the gut feel and that 'thing' was something I could carry on with. It seemed like a huge wall, built all around me, but then a small brick seemed to slip and then another and bit by bit they were crumbling down. Now Im not saying that any of this process was pretty, or happy, or in any way a good place to be, but the anxiety knot was easing - I was taking control again, of my own gut feel, and allowing it to steer me back on track again........pointing me back to true north.
There are a few techniques I used to help me and they are pretty simple:
BREATHING- Everyone talks about breathing, but this really does work (I took a few classes in Hatha Yoga to learn how) and that identified for me an easy way to control the feeling as it was welling up. Meditation is also good for balancing your breathing and centring yourself to restore a bit more calm.....
DANCING - yes - this might seem a mad one, but if you have ever watched Greys Anatomy you'll know what Im on about when you're having a truly rubbishy shitty day and your person pulls you up to your feet, sticks on the cheesiest tunes (I find Living in Electric Dreams is an instant winner!) and you dance - who cares how or what you look like, but damn it works, you are so busy bopping about that you sort any sense of anxiety with a shot of endorphin, silliness and by getting out of breath, your brain is now focusing on that and not that thing you're anxious about! - ok so this won't resolve anything but it gets rid of that nasty rising feeling dealt with.
WRITING THE LIST - and then the other lists - dont worry you dont have to share them! but by writing it down it really helps clarify where its coming from. It may be rational or irrational fears that you have grown up with..............things like NLP timeline therapy, tapping and hypnotherapy can often help with dealing with and releasing some of those!
DO ONE THING - take one thing on the list, it doesn't matter how small it is, but go and deal with it! Get it done. Because feeling overwhelmed is all part of it, and by doing even one thing, it is reshaping the issue to something more copyable with and you can break it down bit by bit!
Anxiety is also something that OP sufferers feel - they can be anxious of falling, leaving the house and hurting themselves, breaking something from lifting, or twisting..........this is a rational anxiety, as its well founded in sufferers and is a very real risk; but where we have to be careful is that the more we focus on some of these things, the more likely they are to actually happen - WHY - because when we get anxious we tense up, and when we tense up, our body is not flowing freely and our limbs aren't swinging the way they were designed - this can put us off balance and cause a fall.........
I found this article below recently and wanted to share as its a really great thorough summary of how to support someone with Anxiety. and lots of great insights too.........
http://curebank.info/13-things-to-remember-if-you-love-a-person-with-anxiety/
Monday, 23 November 2015
progress and next steps
And also a quick update. Last November I was back at St Marys for a check and review. Dr Cox was still thrilled with the progress I have made, but there had been a slight decline in some of my core readings. Needless to say we are talking 0.5 to 1 point difference which actually as an average is not so bad.
My pelvis is still pretty poor, with reading still in the Osteoporosis zone lingering around - 2.8, however parts of my spine and other areas have increased into Osteopoenia at around an average of -1.8. So I have managed to move some bones back in to a 'condition' and no longer a disease.....whilst pelvis and lower spine are still osteoporotic, but MUCH LESS breakable. Its overall good news, and he believes that for my case, Im generally out of the danger zone for regular breaks, (especially from a hug) and that I can live an unbridled and full life. This is AWESOME news.I carry on with life as normal. The main this is Ive got over my fear of participating and continuing with a normal life.
I have been skiing again, Im going ice skating this week, I run, I walk, I swim, I dance! I might not ride a horse seriously again (animals have a tendency to be unpredictable and a fall from there is much greater risk!) but Im not stopping doing anything. When I saw Professor Fogleman way back about 4 years ago - the key specialist in Osteoporosis in Europe, he was also very pro and extremely clear that your positive state of mind and continuing to do things that make you happy plays a large role in managing such a disease and not giving in to it - all those happy endorphins do us a world of good!
So what have I done to achieve my turnaround:
1) I continue with a VERY large focus on an alkaline diet. (I've just got back from an alkaline diet retreat in Turkey to give myself and extra boost before the winter - see pic!)
See http://www.betterbones.com for more information on this from a leading US doctor on this. Its under the alkaline diet and ph balance section in bone health articles.
2) lemon water and/or raw cider vinegar (2 tablespoons/ pint of water) on a daily basis instead of normal tap water......this helps keep acidic balance in your body where it should be!
3) regular exercise - walking, a bit of jogging, swimming and general activity. When Im not active EVERYthing starts to really ache and often my fibromyalgia returns. Muscle maintenance is key to managing both fibromyaligia as well as bone support.
5) lots of fresh vegetables - top 5 are kale, broccoli, avocado, quinoa, rocket (cut back on spinach!)
and included walnuts and almonds as good alkaline sources of protein. Additionally less meat generally but lots of fish and white meats (organic where possible)
6) continue to see my Chinese acupuncturist! and
I continue to work on positivity, mindfulness and deflecting bad people and bad karma.
7) Stress levels as low as possible. the amount of research out there that outlines just how bad cortisol is for your absorption and update of calcium is incredible.
8) daily auto-immune green shot - I use a good one from the local Healthfood shop, its packed full of chlorella, wheatgrass, omegas and all sorts of super foods. this is not only to boost immunity during the cold season, but it helps keep me strong and when its cold we all know how fibromyalgia can worsen. this is dramatically reduced for me taking these daily does of green stuff.
9) I stopped taking DEPO PROVERA (go google it - it has a black box warning and it shouldn't in my opinion even be an option as a contraceptive) and nor do I now take any form of contraceptive - it seems that my body is particularly susceptible to the hormones, which get ticked out of balance and are a huge nono for me! they exacerbate my condition! - maybe you could get yourself checked if you are pre menopausal and still taking contraceptives - My endocrinologist was the key to me discovering this........ (top tip!)
10) I do what makes me happy. - this is key to our general state of mind. If we just stop doing everything of fear for ourselves and wrap ourselves in cotton wool then our minds close and depression can set in. Keep doing what makes you happy, its good for the soul, and general well-being!
I of course continue to take my VIT D (20000 ui) and calcichew as Im not allowed to take anything else - Im avoiding the big drugs as they will effect my day to day quality of life but also my ovaries, and I still hope to have kids one day!
So happy days. Yes I still get pain, I do everything I want within reason and not so risky, but I have fun, I live! I re-found my smile and I look after my body - after all its the only one we have!!!
In print!!
Its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened. Doesn't time fly.
I have been focusing on trying to share my story out to others in the aim that there is a hopeful message to those all suffering 'the silent disease'
So now on to TAKE A BREAK- I got on to the Front Cover YAY! You can see it on the shelves now - WINTER 2 edition!
Through the National Osteoporosis Society(NOS) I was put in touch with a journalist who over the past 2 years has worked with me to find a publication that would really spread my story wide and try and give may out there HOPE... to tell them they aren't alone. to tell them that we can do stuff to help our diagnosis, to share my crazy story of 21 broken ribs in 9 months and prove that there is a way to rebuild from that and that we can help ourselves. Its also my way of reaching out and getting the awareness up on the silent disease, that ISNT just an older persons disease - it can affect people from all ages!
Tomorrow Im going with the NOS to hobnob with MP's at Westminster - yes thats right at the actual Houses of Parliament, to increase awareness with them so that we can talk to them about some of the NOS survey recent findings:
o A third of people had broken several bones before being diagnosed
o 39% of respondents prompted their own bone health assessment
o A third of people were not satisfied with the current level of monitoring and review of their osteoporosis
o Only 22% felt the NHS gives osteoporosis the level of attention it deserves
We are asking them to:
Help promote Fracture Liaison Services and the resources available to develop them
Keep in touch with the Charity to find out whether there is an FLS in your constituency and how you can help locally
Ill keep you posted on how that goes!
Friday, 15 November 2013
MIRACLES can happen.....
..... so you will need to forgive me if I am a little emotional, but its been a HUGE day and I have to post and share something that is a relief, a shock, a miracle and of huge importance!
I had my 6 month check up with Dr cox yesterday. As always is the case I quietly prepare myself, gather my questions for him and jump on the tube across to St Marys Mint wing to have my chat about bones et al!
I had the last appointment of the day and that seems an omen now in hindsight, as whilst somewhat boring waiting for the queue of old biddies to reduce in front of me, and his usual schedule invariably overrun, it can be a bit of a wait.......all adding to various thoughts that gather in ones mind.
I have generally been feeling ok more recently, I still have constant pain in my ribs and as mentioned in my last post it's due to fibromyalgia and latent bone pain, either from memory of pain, the cold weather and damp and also probably also a degree of ribs still healing (yes even after all this time) and calcium depositing......or a combination of all! Ive been doing a lot more and getting more bold at expanding my activities, most due to sheer bloody mindedness not to give in to something that I have been told repeatedly is limiting, and restricting in my usual life and activities. Over the past 2.5 years I have learnt to temper my enthusiastic leaping in to various things, eaten well, exercised as able, and generally kept my spirits in the positive cycle rather than some nasty blips of lows (which have been terrible lows)! I have been cautious, I have managed my condition, I have heeded lots of warnings and ignored other, particularly grim diagnoses, as you all know. Just being told wheelchairs and disability could have been part of my future was enough to put me in to a full on focus to find a way to turn that around! And oh boy, has it turned around !
I had my last scan back in May, the previous one in September last year and in between a few things have occurred. My SEVERE readings in my dreadfully osteoporotic spine (it looked like lace) have moved in to a safe zone of mildly osteopoenic - it looks like a normal spine again!!!!!. In laymens terms this means Im basically almost back to normal. My bones are weaker than average, but Im out of the danger zone and can live A NORMAL LIFE AGAIN! My readings have lept from a nasty -2.7 to an average of -1.7 - an overall increase in bone density increase of 13 %!!!! this is nothing short of a miracle!
My hip bones are still a bit worse in the osteporosis zone (-2.2) and whilst initially got a lot better, then have dropped back again, but given it is another 5 months on from that scan, its probable apparently that Im actually in osteopoenia now and not the danger zone, but its still a major area to focus and monitor..........but its trending the right way!
I have another condition, it has also been revealed, that my kidneys excrete about 50% more than most peoples do of calcium, so we are now looking at a way to reduce that with some new trials and tests using a diuretic that switches the calcium excretions for salt........that will also increase my ability to retain calcium and thus keep good bone density levels. In the meantime Im continuing to take 20,000 units monthly of vitamin D and daily does of calcium and D and a high mix level! Im also being tested for some auto immune issues, which in the big scheme of things seem somewhat minor!
I can not begin to explain how a cloud that even up to yesterday that has been hanging over me has suddenly been lifted. I quite literally feel like Im standing on top of the world.......and funnily I was on top of a mountain called Kilimanjaro only November 2010!
It is really quite something to train your mind to cope and live daily with a disease and condition, face it off every day, and constantly check and monitor yourself with caution and an edge of fear. I have had so many differing reactions to what I have had - some have dismissed me, some have dropped me, some have held my hand, and others have been utterly unconditionally supportive and loving, no matter what! Like any condition, people struggle to know what to say, how to support, or just ignore or run away. I have had the most enormous insight in to what people deal and struggle with and the victimisation, weight and underlying worry not to mention the sheer lack of compassion that can be presented when you are 'weaker' or less strong than what is socially accepted as the norm. There is still so much judgementalism out there its scary. I have been blessed in so many ways to have had these insights and learn how to not only deal with my own challenges but also to comprehend and relate to others with conditions/ diseases or suffering. I can only hope that it makes me a better person.
I sat with my chin on the floor as Dr Cox sat there with a grin ear to ear on his face communicating the good news, the theory, the facts, the future! It cant be often he gets to give good news. I had someone close to me with me and we sat agape..........I later burst in to tears over a glass of bubbles from relief, shock and total wonderment.......how did this happen? Dr cox said he had never seen a case like this before. He could not fully explain it all, but he stated how utterly unique and rare it was.........well I always knew I was unique ;-) My firends are already making jokes about how I like to do things differently! yeah yeah.......I know, but who actually wants to be normal!? ;-)
This is how it can happen and this is the important part of my story to all women out there! Please NEVER EVER let your doctor persuade you to take a contraceptive called DEPO PROVERA. Whilst it has a 1 in 10 Million chance of doing to you what it did to me, I was not on the obvious risk list (it has a medical black box warning and yet doctors still prescribe it!). I have no osteporosis in the family. I am not susceptible to eating disorders. I got osteoporosis SEVERELY as a result of this nasty brutal contraceptive and it has sent me on a journey of incredible pain and utter nightmares over the past 2.5 years.
A vitamin D test should always be taken first if you are considering it, but the long and short of it is that this contraceptive ran my bones dry of calcium, it sapped me to such a fragile state that I broke 21 times and 3 from just a hug!! I became humpty dumpty.....but you know what - the miracle is that Im together again! humpty had no such luck! The fact that I have fought this, I have kept as focused and positive as possible, and I found the most incredible endocrinologist to help me on this is also key. I could have given in to this and I would still likely be in a pretty fragile state, I know for sure that I would not be doing so well otherwise. just not taking the depo provera isnt the only solution.
I have had specialist personal training, I have eaten good food. I have cut acidic veg and food out. I have changed my mindset to one of healing and positivity, I have seen alternative medicine, acupuncture. I have rested. I have sat in the sun, I have taken huge doses of Vitamin D and calcium, and I have been careful. I have surrounded myself with positive and kind people. We are the average of the 5 closest to us, and its testament to them too!
Maybe I was unlucky to get this. Maybe there was a reason? all I know is this has been a crazy journey. I still have pain, I still have to take lots of stuff, and I still need to keep an eye on the hip bones in particular, but knowing that I am one of the lucky few that can now live my life at full throttle again, ski, horseride and get back my world and my life, I can only say that I feel incredibly blessed. I keep bursting in to tears with amazement and happiness and honest to god relief and shock. I want this to be a positive story, we can all overcome many things, we just need a bit of help, support and love and a positive mindset.
Thank you Dr Cox, thank you those of you, my family and close friends, and others for your supportive messages, out there for all your support. thank you thank you thank you for sticking with me, for being in my life, for helping and holding my hand, I really couldnt have made this progress without you.
xxxxx
I had my 6 month check up with Dr cox yesterday. As always is the case I quietly prepare myself, gather my questions for him and jump on the tube across to St Marys Mint wing to have my chat about bones et al!
I had the last appointment of the day and that seems an omen now in hindsight, as whilst somewhat boring waiting for the queue of old biddies to reduce in front of me, and his usual schedule invariably overrun, it can be a bit of a wait.......all adding to various thoughts that gather in ones mind.
I have generally been feeling ok more recently, I still have constant pain in my ribs and as mentioned in my last post it's due to fibromyalgia and latent bone pain, either from memory of pain, the cold weather and damp and also probably also a degree of ribs still healing (yes even after all this time) and calcium depositing......or a combination of all! Ive been doing a lot more and getting more bold at expanding my activities, most due to sheer bloody mindedness not to give in to something that I have been told repeatedly is limiting, and restricting in my usual life and activities. Over the past 2.5 years I have learnt to temper my enthusiastic leaping in to various things, eaten well, exercised as able, and generally kept my spirits in the positive cycle rather than some nasty blips of lows (which have been terrible lows)! I have been cautious, I have managed my condition, I have heeded lots of warnings and ignored other, particularly grim diagnoses, as you all know. Just being told wheelchairs and disability could have been part of my future was enough to put me in to a full on focus to find a way to turn that around! And oh boy, has it turned around !
I had my last scan back in May, the previous one in September last year and in between a few things have occurred. My SEVERE readings in my dreadfully osteoporotic spine (it looked like lace) have moved in to a safe zone of mildly osteopoenic - it looks like a normal spine again!!!!!. In laymens terms this means Im basically almost back to normal. My bones are weaker than average, but Im out of the danger zone and can live A NORMAL LIFE AGAIN! My readings have lept from a nasty -2.7 to an average of -1.7 - an overall increase in bone density increase of 13 %!!!! this is nothing short of a miracle!
My hip bones are still a bit worse in the osteporosis zone (-2.2) and whilst initially got a lot better, then have dropped back again, but given it is another 5 months on from that scan, its probable apparently that Im actually in osteopoenia now and not the danger zone, but its still a major area to focus and monitor..........but its trending the right way!
I have another condition, it has also been revealed, that my kidneys excrete about 50% more than most peoples do of calcium, so we are now looking at a way to reduce that with some new trials and tests using a diuretic that switches the calcium excretions for salt........that will also increase my ability to retain calcium and thus keep good bone density levels. In the meantime Im continuing to take 20,000 units monthly of vitamin D and daily does of calcium and D and a high mix level! Im also being tested for some auto immune issues, which in the big scheme of things seem somewhat minor!
I can not begin to explain how a cloud that even up to yesterday that has been hanging over me has suddenly been lifted. I quite literally feel like Im standing on top of the world.......and funnily I was on top of a mountain called Kilimanjaro only November 2010!
It is really quite something to train your mind to cope and live daily with a disease and condition, face it off every day, and constantly check and monitor yourself with caution and an edge of fear. I have had so many differing reactions to what I have had - some have dismissed me, some have dropped me, some have held my hand, and others have been utterly unconditionally supportive and loving, no matter what! Like any condition, people struggle to know what to say, how to support, or just ignore or run away. I have had the most enormous insight in to what people deal and struggle with and the victimisation, weight and underlying worry not to mention the sheer lack of compassion that can be presented when you are 'weaker' or less strong than what is socially accepted as the norm. There is still so much judgementalism out there its scary. I have been blessed in so many ways to have had these insights and learn how to not only deal with my own challenges but also to comprehend and relate to others with conditions/ diseases or suffering. I can only hope that it makes me a better person.
I sat with my chin on the floor as Dr Cox sat there with a grin ear to ear on his face communicating the good news, the theory, the facts, the future! It cant be often he gets to give good news. I had someone close to me with me and we sat agape..........I later burst in to tears over a glass of bubbles from relief, shock and total wonderment.......how did this happen? Dr cox said he had never seen a case like this before. He could not fully explain it all, but he stated how utterly unique and rare it was.........well I always knew I was unique ;-) My firends are already making jokes about how I like to do things differently! yeah yeah.......I know, but who actually wants to be normal!? ;-)
This is how it can happen and this is the important part of my story to all women out there! Please NEVER EVER let your doctor persuade you to take a contraceptive called DEPO PROVERA. Whilst it has a 1 in 10 Million chance of doing to you what it did to me, I was not on the obvious risk list (it has a medical black box warning and yet doctors still prescribe it!). I have no osteporosis in the family. I am not susceptible to eating disorders. I got osteoporosis SEVERELY as a result of this nasty brutal contraceptive and it has sent me on a journey of incredible pain and utter nightmares over the past 2.5 years.
A vitamin D test should always be taken first if you are considering it, but the long and short of it is that this contraceptive ran my bones dry of calcium, it sapped me to such a fragile state that I broke 21 times and 3 from just a hug!! I became humpty dumpty.....but you know what - the miracle is that Im together again! humpty had no such luck! The fact that I have fought this, I have kept as focused and positive as possible, and I found the most incredible endocrinologist to help me on this is also key. I could have given in to this and I would still likely be in a pretty fragile state, I know for sure that I would not be doing so well otherwise. just not taking the depo provera isnt the only solution.
I have had specialist personal training, I have eaten good food. I have cut acidic veg and food out. I have changed my mindset to one of healing and positivity, I have seen alternative medicine, acupuncture. I have rested. I have sat in the sun, I have taken huge doses of Vitamin D and calcium, and I have been careful. I have surrounded myself with positive and kind people. We are the average of the 5 closest to us, and its testament to them too!
Maybe I was unlucky to get this. Maybe there was a reason? all I know is this has been a crazy journey. I still have pain, I still have to take lots of stuff, and I still need to keep an eye on the hip bones in particular, but knowing that I am one of the lucky few that can now live my life at full throttle again, ski, horseride and get back my world and my life, I can only say that I feel incredibly blessed. I keep bursting in to tears with amazement and happiness and honest to god relief and shock. I want this to be a positive story, we can all overcome many things, we just need a bit of help, support and love and a positive mindset.
Thank you Dr Cox, thank you those of you, my family and close friends, and others for your supportive messages, out there for all your support. thank you thank you thank you for sticking with me, for being in my life, for helping and holding my hand, I really couldnt have made this progress without you.
xxxxx
Sunday, 8 September 2013
just a little accident prone I hear you say!?
Its happened again, I turned around and 9 months have swung by! does time speed up as we get older? or is it really just that the longer we spend on the planet things seem to shorten because we know what to expect now?
Well, life continues as always and I realised that I haven't really mentioned my progress recently, but a number of people have been asking, so here goes.
My regular rounds of tests and scans happen every 4-6 months and there are still huge questions unanswered as to how all this came about - needless to say the depo provera contraceptive was a huge catalyst and women simply should never take it! I think we have all come to accept that there is no real obvious answer, which still has them all scratching their heads but I have in the meantime learnt how to manage things. My friends are great and mostly remember that when giving me a hug not to squeeze too hard, but otherwise for all intents and purposes Im managing. I continue to get the fibromyalgia (latent bone pain) but the hot weather this summer has been a dream and bliss as a result - less pain on average. Damp days are grim and achey, so lots of hot drinks and baths! I wear layers when everyone else is seemingly half dressed around me, air con in offices is a total killer, and Raynauds seems to have kicked in in my fingers now, a common link to bone and joint issues, so Im looking good with my fingerless gloves! I barely take any pain killers now, just on occasion when things get a bit much, and I have definitely worked out to wait for the pain levels to reach their 'top' and then use mind over matter to actually manage them back down. The bone readings are continuing to climb in the right direction and every 0.1 increase is a small win for my bones, robustness and general wellbeing. It will never be back to normal and there is a very long way to go to get to 'safe' readings, but Im going in the right direction! the readings are at an average now of -2.8 (from -3.2) which is pretty good in 2 years! its a long way from +1 but thats life! its just over 2 years since I was diagnosed and its the right trend! daily calcium, magnesium and vitamin d keep it at bay! When I look how far I have come in 2 years, I have have to really stop and look at what I have achieved and see actually how much we can really do for ourselves. I chose to fight and not take the medical diagnosis as the end point!
I have had 2 more big accidents this year that have rocked me again, and have meant that Ive really had to look at how I listen to my body. My confidence and beliefs have been tested and I have really had to regroup, and just slow down (i didnt think I was going that fast to be honest!)
The first was an accident whilst on holiday for Christmas and new year. I had a very negative person with me at the time, and her negativity, aggression and anger massively affected me, to such an extent than rather than removing myself from her company and protecting myself, I ignored it, trying to be supportive to her and it resulted in a situation that should never have happened - and torn ligaments, tendons, ruptured arteries and veins in my right ankle and leg. It was a total mess. But something amazing happened too. Being in Mexico I met a Shamen. He helped me understand why it happened and how I was allowing her negativity to invade my world and attract rubbish to me, because I wasnt letting it go or just wash over me. I was so affected by her behaviour that it had a major detrimental affect on me. It was a huge eyeopener and Ive tried to take that forward with me since. I had been allowing her to take her anger and frustrations out on me, she was bullying me and all of us around her, and instead of just saying to myself that it was her shit to deal with, I was letting it affect me too and bring me down. Result, was repatriation home following a rather miserable new years eve on a beach that I couldn't walk on (I was in a cast and on crutches!). But as is also always the case, with the bad also comes good, and I met 3 fantastic people who could not have been more wonderful and kind to me at the time, Sasha, Jason and Justin. I know I will keep these people as friends, they are kind, honest, genuine and like-minded! We were all on own own journeys out there and we all found ways to purge ourselves of some of our demons (or past stories that were lingering!!)
The ankle is STILL healing and has brought some annoyances about, but at no point has the pain ever been as bad as the ribs, and because of the ribs I knew that it was small fry in comparison to the more permanent condition that I manage daily. small things huh?
The second accident was purely that - an accident and again involved this time the other ankle! this time though I did fracture a bone in my left foot and its still suffering 8 weeks down the line. But I got to work every day, I had ice packs on every night, I managed and pushed myself over another hurdle - again, this time it was an annoyance rather than a major drama, but it has had its impacts! In both cases when you cant walk properly and enduring pain, you tend to cease up, over compensate or try and protect the injured item. This has meant that my back has been a mess, headaches and migraine have increased and my ribs and bones have rebelled and given me quite a bit of grief, just to remind me, that whilst all might look ok on the outside, not to take for granted whats on the inside! But, and I say this as a strong BUT! I have just got on with it. Ive gone out when I can, Ive been to a few events and done a few things, even got to a wedding in Germany and I have to take my hat off to myself on occasion! it has been pretty exhausting at times, and Ive barely managed a smile when things have got a bit beyond the pale! but I have tried to just get on with it all. My Chinese Doctor Li has kept me going and without her massage and acupuncture it would have been a lot harder. she has been a godsend. It does put some things in to perspective when you are tired and at wits end from the constant nagging of pain. but there is always an end to it, and always someone out there to help support you and carry you and help!
I have been thankful for the handful of people that have been there fore me, my mum and dad 2 of the most special people in the world - how they keep putting up with my dramas Ill never know! but I have to admit something really hard too! When the second fall happened I was on my own in my house (that is like fort knox) and I couldnt see how anyone could get in and get to me! no one had spare keys, the front door is 4x bolted and I couldnt move! I was totally alone and I had a moment of panic! I had to move, I had to help myself, there was no point crying and hoping someone would help - they couldnt get in! (so now my friend has spare keys and my cleaner too!) it was an incredibly scarey and lonely moment! but I have made sure that cant happen again! we learn from everything!
So thats me for now........I have 2 new ventures running that are exciting and utterly terrifying at the same time, Im totally out of my comfort zone with both but being uncomfortable is good, it means we are testing ourselves and challenging what we know - we are learning......its a good place to be!
Well, life continues as always and I realised that I haven't really mentioned my progress recently, but a number of people have been asking, so here goes.
My regular rounds of tests and scans happen every 4-6 months and there are still huge questions unanswered as to how all this came about - needless to say the depo provera contraceptive was a huge catalyst and women simply should never take it! I think we have all come to accept that there is no real obvious answer, which still has them all scratching their heads but I have in the meantime learnt how to manage things. My friends are great and mostly remember that when giving me a hug not to squeeze too hard, but otherwise for all intents and purposes Im managing. I continue to get the fibromyalgia (latent bone pain) but the hot weather this summer has been a dream and bliss as a result - less pain on average. Damp days are grim and achey, so lots of hot drinks and baths! I wear layers when everyone else is seemingly half dressed around me, air con in offices is a total killer, and Raynauds seems to have kicked in in my fingers now, a common link to bone and joint issues, so Im looking good with my fingerless gloves! I barely take any pain killers now, just on occasion when things get a bit much, and I have definitely worked out to wait for the pain levels to reach their 'top' and then use mind over matter to actually manage them back down. The bone readings are continuing to climb in the right direction and every 0.1 increase is a small win for my bones, robustness and general wellbeing. It will never be back to normal and there is a very long way to go to get to 'safe' readings, but Im going in the right direction! the readings are at an average now of -2.8 (from -3.2) which is pretty good in 2 years! its a long way from +1 but thats life! its just over 2 years since I was diagnosed and its the right trend! daily calcium, magnesium and vitamin d keep it at bay! When I look how far I have come in 2 years, I have have to really stop and look at what I have achieved and see actually how much we can really do for ourselves. I chose to fight and not take the medical diagnosis as the end point!
I have had 2 more big accidents this year that have rocked me again, and have meant that Ive really had to look at how I listen to my body. My confidence and beliefs have been tested and I have really had to regroup, and just slow down (i didnt think I was going that fast to be honest!)
The first was an accident whilst on holiday for Christmas and new year. I had a very negative person with me at the time, and her negativity, aggression and anger massively affected me, to such an extent than rather than removing myself from her company and protecting myself, I ignored it, trying to be supportive to her and it resulted in a situation that should never have happened - and torn ligaments, tendons, ruptured arteries and veins in my right ankle and leg. It was a total mess. But something amazing happened too. Being in Mexico I met a Shamen. He helped me understand why it happened and how I was allowing her negativity to invade my world and attract rubbish to me, because I wasnt letting it go or just wash over me. I was so affected by her behaviour that it had a major detrimental affect on me. It was a huge eyeopener and Ive tried to take that forward with me since. I had been allowing her to take her anger and frustrations out on me, she was bullying me and all of us around her, and instead of just saying to myself that it was her shit to deal with, I was letting it affect me too and bring me down. Result, was repatriation home following a rather miserable new years eve on a beach that I couldn't walk on (I was in a cast and on crutches!). But as is also always the case, with the bad also comes good, and I met 3 fantastic people who could not have been more wonderful and kind to me at the time, Sasha, Jason and Justin. I know I will keep these people as friends, they are kind, honest, genuine and like-minded! We were all on own own journeys out there and we all found ways to purge ourselves of some of our demons (or past stories that were lingering!!)
The second accident was purely that - an accident and again involved this time the other ankle! this time though I did fracture a bone in my left foot and its still suffering 8 weeks down the line. But I got to work every day, I had ice packs on every night, I managed and pushed myself over another hurdle - again, this time it was an annoyance rather than a major drama, but it has had its impacts! In both cases when you cant walk properly and enduring pain, you tend to cease up, over compensate or try and protect the injured item. This has meant that my back has been a mess, headaches and migraine have increased and my ribs and bones have rebelled and given me quite a bit of grief, just to remind me, that whilst all might look ok on the outside, not to take for granted whats on the inside! But, and I say this as a strong BUT! I have just got on with it. Ive gone out when I can, Ive been to a few events and done a few things, even got to a wedding in Germany and I have to take my hat off to myself on occasion! it has been pretty exhausting at times, and Ive barely managed a smile when things have got a bit beyond the pale! but I have tried to just get on with it all. My Chinese Doctor Li has kept me going and without her massage and acupuncture it would have been a lot harder. she has been a godsend. It does put some things in to perspective when you are tired and at wits end from the constant nagging of pain. but there is always an end to it, and always someone out there to help support you and carry you and help!
I have been thankful for the handful of people that have been there fore me, my mum and dad 2 of the most special people in the world - how they keep putting up with my dramas Ill never know! but I have to admit something really hard too! When the second fall happened I was on my own in my house (that is like fort knox) and I couldnt see how anyone could get in and get to me! no one had spare keys, the front door is 4x bolted and I couldnt move! I was totally alone and I had a moment of panic! I had to move, I had to help myself, there was no point crying and hoping someone would help - they couldnt get in! (so now my friend has spare keys and my cleaner too!) it was an incredibly scarey and lonely moment! but I have made sure that cant happen again! we learn from everything!
So thats me for now........I have 2 new ventures running that are exciting and utterly terrifying at the same time, Im totally out of my comfort zone with both but being uncomfortable is good, it means we are testing ourselves and challenging what we know - we are learning......its a good place to be!
Monday, 26 November 2012
Time goes by.......and new opportunity....
Its been some time since my last post and as usual nothing has stopped! The world has kept on turning, time has kept ticking past and life has continued!When was the last time you caught yourself saying something like...."I cant believe where the year has gone", or "is it really nearly Christmas?", "where did the summer go?" As we all do as children, we focus on the next big exciting date and it always seems forever to have to wait! And then as we start to get older time seems to go into fast forward......we've had more experiences, things take no time at all in comparison, we know what to expect, blink and something has been and gone. I keep my diary full of shows, theater, art galleries, seeing friends, learning new things, reading a good book, because too often I have sat and looked back over the past couple of weeks or months and felt little sense of accomplishment.......sure Ive got up and gone to work! Ive worked hard and made progress on projects Ive had challenges and made decisions......but its all in a days work right? so what about all the other stuff? if you dont take care it passes you by and nothing has changed at all. All that saving for tomorrow and those odes about never saving for tomorrow what can be done today and all that? When also did you last just look back over your day and feel that you did something really good.......helped someone...that you made the world a better place? gave something of yourself willingly graciously generously? did you have any impact on the world at all in your own way today?
Im pondering this stuff a lot at the moment...I want to start really changing the way I think and do and am. I believe that over the past year I have taken great steps towards that in how i have approached my recovery and dealt with the bones, diagnoses and pain......the outcome......well generally its all very positive. I have defied medicine in so much that im not a total train wreck still, humpty dumpty is definitely back together again, hes been re-plastered, repainted and in full working order in fact! You'd never spot where the cracks and chips were! the bones are getting very slowly but surely stronger........
Ive mastered the pain management and am now OFFICIALLY PAIN FREE! and Im desperately trying to get my strength and self back to normal so as to get on with all that fun, learning, adventure and craziness that is that way I live!
Have you ever heard the phrase....." you dont need a new year to make a change, all you need is today?"
someone asked me that question recently and I made a decision on the back of it! Im not prepared to see if Im still doing the same thing in 5 years time and dealing with the same stuff, Im actively changing that picture and focused on it happening now! AND its happening!
Back in the summer I got the builders in. A 2 year plan finally coming to fruition.........a side return with a roof terrace (its just finishing and Im getting my fantastic new house back! ). Then I started a new plan b business that is building amazing opportunity for me and those around me to live the lives we really dream and aspire to. Then I lost my job! but as one door opens the other swung shut........redundancy can be a VERY liberating experience and I can see so much possibility opening up to me, and I can only look back upon the last years hardships, pain, upset, heartbreak and rollercoaster ride with a sense that maybe it has all led me to this?
I have made some new friendships, Ive become much closer to even my closest, Ive moved on from a few and Im repairing others! Reason, season, lifetime! (it keeps coming back that phrase! - thanks Magnus!) Im seeing opportunity in every disaster, mistake, f+*&up I have ever made.......yes this is the voice of the eternal optimist.YES yes, it helps not to be taking mind shifting, pain numbing morphine metabolising pain killers any more......man they really mess with you...........depression, lethargy, losing all sense of time, perspective, reason and self......its a bigger recovery than just healing bones and getting mobile again! I lost a lot of time last year.....and now Im running to grab it all back.....people say thats not possible.......i disagree. you can, you just gotta get up off the sofa, stop watching telly and do the stuff that inspires you, and if you dont know what that is, cos youve gone brain dead in a coma of warm fluffy cushiony laziness, then pick one thing that you never did before each week and do it however small - inspiration comes from the smallest gains and whilst I was stuck in my daily coma I did manage to find a few small things to get me going again!! I have surrounded myself with a few key but amazingly wonderful people and they inspire me every day. Ive got plenty of time to sleep when Im dead! life is now. Im harping on about all this as one of the toughest things last year to deal with was the inability to do much at all.....for myself, or for anyone else. time did slip past almost incoherently in a way that horrified me at times.....whole weeks and conversations and moments lost due to pain and frustration and largely the drugs erasing so much from memory or even possibility!
I wont give up on most people, I wont give up ever on myself (Ive proven to myself again that I can beat tough stuff thrown at me) and I will keep on doing........
Monday, 13 August 2012
A spoonful of sugar.....
......helps the medicine go down. Isnt that what we are all taught as children? If you ever saw the Mary Poppins film then you will know that it is an uptempo song sung by Mary Poppins, instructing the two children, Jane and Michael to clean their room. But even though the task is daunting, with a good attitude, it can still be fun.
Im not sure that healing from a bunch of broken bones, any illness or trying to overcome some enormous feat of endurance even, is always that fun, but it is certainly a good way of trying to approach some indomitable or seemingly so feat or challenge......I certainly never liked to clean my room, but I guess the satisfaction of it all being tidy, even if I did just stuff everything in cupboards and under the bed, was something to take note of even if a bit short lived at times when invariably I then needed to find something and everything came pouring out on top of me! but of course that made me laugh too (most of the time!). Positivity of course always helps and finding a state of mind that allows you to switch into a mode that will support this when facing some horrible nasty, is definitely better than the alternative of sitting, festering and being miserable. And look, Im not preaching! I did plenty of the latter stuff too!
I have been at both ends of this scale in the last year and its not surprising really that it takes both to be able to face head on, any challenge that is presented, misery and depression as well as positivity and an indomitable spirit - dont let the 'b*****ds get you down (glass half full, optimism). In my case I hit the major low before making a conscious choice to turn things around an face my diagnosis head on. I can certainly say that once I did this earlier this year that things have started to transform, mentally and physically.
<<once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones you will start to see positive results.....>>
Furthermore, in a number of reports, optimists have been shown to live healthier lifestyles which may influence disease. Optimists are more physically active, consume more fruit, vegetables and whole-grain bread, and consume more moderate amounts of alcohol - that has been my ongoing diet once the major healing phase was in progress.
"The relationship between optimism and health has also been studied with regards to physical symptoms, coping strategies and negative affect for those suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, and fibromyalgia.
It has been found that among individuals with these diseases, optimists are not more likely than pessimists to report pain alleviation due to coping strategies, despite differences in psychological well-being between the two groups." (G. Affleck, H Tennen, A. Apter. "Optimism, Pessimism, and Daily Life With Chronic Illness. Optimism & Pessimism: Implications for Theory, Research, and Practice. )
I looked up patience in wikipedia and its definition was - Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast.
Why am I harping on about all this then? Ive tried meditation, massage, relaxation techniques, acupuncture, pain relief, sleeping, exercise, burying my head in the sand, denial, but in the end it was my state of mind that has had the biggest impact I truly believe. I have battled severe pain. Ive challenged the doctors, Ive done what I was told but also a lot of what I wasnt! Ive researched, Ive tried different techniques, Ive taken the supplements, Ive gone through an exercise rehab process, but fundamentally a few key things are really important.
1) keep people who make you laugh, look after you and dont sap your energy in your life.
2) eat well and live well (even if in pain) organise a few nice things to do and do them, dont wimp out because it hurts, or is tiring, or a battle to keep going and all you want to do is cry and give up - it DOESNT WORK!
3) work hard - distraction works a treat
4) patience, more patience and a bit more!
5) self belief and PMA (positive mental attitude)
when life gives you a no its because there is a better yes down the road!
The long and short of all this is that last year about this time all the doctors were grim faced and whilst trying to be encouraging, they had no idea why I had developed such a dramatic form of osteoporosis? they all had their theories and the general consensus is still that it was the depo provera contraceptive I took which had the most radical and extreme reaction on me, in the rarest circumstances. so Im just bloody unlucky I guess. They couldnt explain the multiple breaks - none had ever seen more that a couple in most people, my 21 were frankly a medical anomaly that noone could decifer. I saw osteoporosis specialists, rheumatologists, an orthopaedic surgeon and finally an endocrinologist. Months of blood tests, scans, ultrasound scans, urine tests, spinal xrays, morphine, painkillers etc etc you name it, and now a radioactive bone scan in 6 weeks time........all these did thankfully was rule other really nasty stuff out, but with no cure, no treatment other than vitamin d and some calcium, sick note off sports and the prospect that my spine might collapse if I ever had kids, with the threat of a wheelchair in the not so distant future, the future was definitely somewhat bleak. As Ive said tens of times before its more not knowing what and how to face the future rather than dealing with the diagnosis! so you can imagine....!
"sometimes the hardest person to face
is the one staring back at you in the mirror!"
My appointment came around again with Dr Cox (cutey cox as I call him) last week, 7 months since I last saw him. Ive had ongoing pain all year, my ribs on my left hand side are still not healed, back pain, muscular pain and a form of fibromyalgia (latent bone pain), I could only think the worst. He left me to the end of his surgery so I was sitting there the best part of 2 hours waiting, winding myself up! but I know you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for the results!?
T and Z bone scores have increased from -2.8 to -2.3. (at diagnosis the L4 was at -3.2 and has increased to -2.7) = v severe OP
- just to remind you all someone fit and healthy of my age whos done a lot of sport all their life, eats healthily should be between about +1.5 and 2!!!
So this is something of a turn up for the books folks! this means that Very slowly im reversing. its a 4% average increase against my baseline, thus an increase in bone density! Suddenly the outlook is a lot less grim! Ive still got a long way to go, but thats what the patience is all about!
I can have kids - with a lot of support! last year they said it would be a risk not worth taking!
I will be able to ski again (my translation not theirs, but thats the positive thinking again, or optimism, or just plain pig headedness!) - not for a while, but it may well be possible. (prob not the horseriding though, but never say never!) - I might still get the body armor that I planned on though! I think its a sexy look!
All of those other things that I was told I could never do again suddenly look like they might be possible at some point. not yet but baby steps!
He did also diagnose a stress fracture in my left foot! and Ive had a broken toe this year too! hence the need for a radioactive bone scan, to pick up on all the other fractures and why the ribs arent healing so well!
There are injections apparently of various supplements and stuff that top athletes have to speed bones knitting, but theyve never been tried in ribs - maybe Ill be a new trial? He said that Im worth writing a white paper on! get that - lil ol me warranting a whole medical case study!
so Im going in the right direction. I have been self destructive, Ive been through anger, denial, depression, resignation and now the more positive taking control, positive and getting a grip! I happen to think anger and denial have served a pretty strong purpose for the good too. Ive pushed myself to forget and ignore my crappy stuff, and whilst the outcome of being bedridden after a big night out has often been the result (and not just due to some stinking hangover,( although those at least made me feel weirdly alive!) for a few brief moments Ive felt normal. the pain has been dulled and Ive ignored the reality......and it really hasnt harmed me. Im not condoning going out and going crazy but occasionally like any stressful job or crazy stuff that goes on in our lives you have to go out and let off steam! Its a form of purging that nasty negative stuff whirling around inside, which is only worse if you cant get rid!
The spoonful of sugar was taken, the bitter washed down with some sweet! Ive still got a few more spoons to take I know but it all helps.
Ive also added a couple of mantras......
stop saying I wish and start saying I will
its all in the art of the possible and not the impossible!
Wednesday, 11 July 2012
how do we really feel?
Sadness,
have you ever had one of those overwhelming feelings and you just cant really compute why it kicks in. you've had a nice evening, good company, good chat, but you walk away somehow just feeling undeniably un-escapingly bloody sad. why? was it a lost love, was it bad timing, was it terrible news we glossed over and cheered the other up because in our unique british way we gloss over stuff and avoid and ignore?? could it be that we bereave friends that we loved and somehow they lost the love for us, were we too straight, or honest, did we hurt them and dont know, did we pin our hopes on this person or that and find it was never going to work?did they hurt us, or some trigger was set off by a song or a smell or a phrase? maybe work, pressure, sex, children got in the way? maybe drugs, love, distance.......god the list is honestly endless, but when it comes down to it you still walk away and think.....what the F**k! Your heart is in your stomach or your knees, and logic, rhyme and reason are out the window, is that whats is at play here.............?
maybe somehow its that we are driven by each other and our influence on each other and how that affects us. People, I dont think put a lot of store by how they affect people nowdays, they do just what suits them, we as a society have just become horribly selfish. its all about us now. its not about putting yourself in the others shoes. it seems rarely about compassion, its just us all existing in our own little worlds. perhaps Im ranting( I entirely blame the couple of glasses of wine I had tonight, naturally rather than a desire the yell this from the rooftops) but Im a bit fed up with it all. who are we trying to kid?
I watched a tv programme last night about people who had lived over a hundred - the summary = be kind, be optimistic, dont hold grudges, get up and get on with it, keep active, keep your mind young and SMILE and LAUGH. but one thing that also rang through was that they stuck with people they cared about and didnt quit, they didnt run away from shit, they dealt with extraordinary things, the war and bombs and crisis and loss, the depression, 35% of graduates walking the streets.... and serious bloody stuff that none of us have ever had to deal with - our worlds being blown apart and destroyed.....not them..... these people have lived not only 3 lifetimes on us, but the experiences of 5 or 6.....what a moral barometer they set!!!
so my latest dramas in comparison (because its all about me ;-) ).......I lost a cm in height in the last 6 months - now that could be crappy back spasm and and pain just curving me over, spine starting to crumble, and maybe I can find it again, but its a weirdly big deal right now. bones still hurt, no change there! friends still in their own worlds (london and life these days).....made new friends and I hope that continues, as people you meet at all times of life add to and shape you increasingly......bigger job, more stress and more satisfaction, family happy, projects created, fitness increasing......its generally all positive,
and then
it kicks in when least expected - we all get it and its churlish to say we dont. even those who have been blessed still feel a foreboding at times! some blame the weather. some look at themselves and ask why,.... many dont! but is there a sense of entitlement now, are we too lucky and take people and life for granted? whatever it is we all feel a bit sad at times, inexplicably?!!! yes. We do. lost, juggling, racing to keep up, or just dont care. relationship hell, out of sync, out of control or maybe just a bit discombobulated, or maybe just a song playing. but on the surface its all fine, better than ages in fact......
messed up? arent we all? no, I think its more. its choice again. as to how we decide to react. ignore, face up to it, or just throw ourselves into a million projects......
but still we can feel sad. and I dont think its a bad thing. so we sodding should. maybe its our way of stopping and reviewing stuff. letting go of things and people that hurt us, making sense of everything. dismantling things that we need to understand......whatever the reasons, its nature.
I have fought this stuff, been upbeat, told people often what they want to hear, often. and often been frank and straight and said what I feel (if you dont how would they ever know?)
you ask a question.....how often do you want the honest answer?
but tonight I had a great night, yet I walked away feeling sad.......its life. Im here, and tomorrow is a new day.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
getting motivated....its a bit of a battle!
My last update was all about how I was inspiring myself to get with the programme - Rehabilitation Programme Sal - RPS!) - literally and get my body back, rather than trying to avoid the issue and pretend that its not really happening to me! And Im not just talking about whipping some of the lumpy bits into shape, although that is needed, its more about the fact that my body keeps doing a big fat fail on me and its getting rather annoying if Im honest! I am a bear with a sore head when the pain is bad and makes me want to lie down and just give up and sleep sometimes! I am this polar bear and my RPS is the penguin! I guess we all need a way of motivating ourselves dont we? a pair of symbols over my head might serve the purpose quite well it has to be said!So yes, the swimming continues, but not managed quite the 2 a week that was intended. The massages have slipped due to various work pressures and frivolities concerning our Queen! and then the pilates centre ended up doing some special offer that utterly kiboshed my plans as they got swamped with people with vouchers and i couldnt actually book any sessions! so the last month has been a bit of a disaster. Im still doing a forest gump walkies style though so that has been keeping the butt moving! the outcome. BODY FAIL. pain levels back through the roof, painkillers back up to 30mg codeine. Im dammned then if i do and if I dont. It hurts if I do exercise and it kills if I dont. The first is definitely better than the second! and I have to do it if I want any kind of life and mobility in the coming years......
so I started some personal training sessions..........a specialist osteoporosis trainer who properly understands the bodies muscle systems, bones, the diet required, the stamina and most importantly has now started to instruct me on what I should and should not be doing exercise wise. so here is the depressing bit! None of the following:- running, jogging or boxing - basically anything with impact! - all too high impact
- no sit ups or crunches
- no rowing - back strain on my spine!
- no planks or side planks
- certain stretches are out!
- no work involving lying on my stomach, so superman stretches are out too! (pressure on those fragile little ribs again!)
......... the list goes on, and to think that all of that was standard only about 18 months ago when doing my Kilimanjaro training!
....in time my muscles will strengthen and my core will get better and then some of the above will be possible again, but its a bit of a set back again.
so I am doing:
- arm weights - but low as if I try and carry too much then I bugger my back again and too much spinal pressure - its all about the reps and low weights again now!
- lunges and squats,
- uphill fast walking!
- powerplate stuff!
- swimming and running in water! (it really does work)
- pilates
- Im gonna give golf a go too! (christ doesnt life change! I mean golf - cummooonnnn!)
I know people out there have a lot worse to contend with I really do, and Im not trying to overegg my stuff - these are just my little battles one step at a time. I know from Kili we can always achieve way more than we think and its largely about not giving up and the power of the mind to push us through. Im drawing down on that again now. Im tired, Im a bit emotional and its all hurting quite a lot, but who knows where I will be in a couple of months time........
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