life is like........

....have you ever been stressed or upset and you find yourself doing something quite unexpected? Im talking about doing a Forrest Gump and running when you previously hated it, or baking cupcakes when you have never whipped up a batch in your life, or starting to doodle something having hated art at school, singing, dance, smoking, I dont know what, Im sure the list is endless.

Well, when I was getting divorced about 4  years ago I found myself having a Forrest moment.....running a LOT! It was therapeutic. When I got stressed about it all I'd throw on my trainers, hook up to the ipod and run. Now, Im no marathon runner, really, and I still have no ambition whatsoever to do one. This was just running wind, rain, sun and snow! and yes I got fit, slim and found that the natural endorphins were doing me the world of good!

A few years on, and another round of challenges, and Im running again. Well I say running, its more of a fast walk right now, given my bones and pain and all that stuff, but Im pounding the streets all the same. Im walking to and from work - 50 mins each way! Im hiking the streets again come rain or shine and its sort of strangely clearing the horrid fog in my head that has descended in the last year.  And yes -  in truth it is REALLY helping. Must be all those endorphins again! and the fact that Im actually able to walk and move this year in contrast to the complete disabled state of last!

You have to take control in order to stop feeling like the victim and as we all know we have a choice in everything, whether its sticking out a bad relationship, being nice/ nasty to someone, taking that job, quitting that job etc etc.......of course you cant control what others say or do to you, but you can control how you choose to react to them. That has been a tough one for me recently, having been ostracized by a bunch of friends on account of apparently being honest about how I felt about something that was in fact really upsetting me. I know we are English and therefore it is law that even if someone is rude, unkind or insensitive that apparently we absolutely come-what-may NEVER actually tell them how they are affecting us, we must keep that stiff up lip and simply zipit! I didnt do that and hence my issue -  I broke the law!

I was finding that I was increasingly upset and stressed, really upset and distraught. Increasingly  paranoid that in some way Im just some terrible person and Ive clearly done something awful to have been punished not only by a lifelong condition being thrown at me, but to then double up on finding people adding their own form of judgmental punishment on top  -  just to add cream to the pie! But as I said, it all comes down to how you choose to react to that, that and accepting that I had a  choice or not in the first place as to whether I tell the person how they were affecting me! I can (choose to) be the victim, and I was definitely feeling it. I can also decide that actually those that treat me like that are either so un-self aware, are very aware of what they are doing or simply not the friends I  thought they were, especially if tehy stop talking to me on account of that! (that last one is the toughest actually to deal with, and acknowledge -  especially when they are the people you spend the most time with and have shared private thoughts, time, holidays, weddings etc with) I can only hope that it isnt that last one! Really!

Anyway, I deviate, I was stressed and upset. My plug hole was sucking me down. I was circling rapidly towards an unspeakable place........just like when I was getting divorced and was starting my life again. I had left a home, all my belongings and had to start from scratch back then and I remember feeling the same sense of panic then as I have done of late. What will the future bring, can it get better, who, how, what would come along? And that was when I started running! My feet just carrying me along. This time its pacey walking! It clears my head, it lifts the fog, it raises me out of that navel gazing that we are all prone to doing when down in the dumps! The endorphins are going again and Im feeling more positive. There is no real change in the stuff that triggered this, but I can but hope that its a phase! Im choosing to get on with things, its the best I can do! actually its the only choice I want to make!

So I joined the gym -  Im swimming 3 x a week. Im walking and Im doing pilates! RPS has kicked in, the butt is being worked, the muscle memory is kicking back in! And Im pulling a Forrest Gump. so if you dont get an answer on my phone, Ill prob be out having a walk!

What was it that Forrest said?  "Life was like a box of chocolates ....You never know what you're gonna get......" In short -  you can always choose!

....like a seive!

.......and Im not just talking about my memory!

Another day another 20 accupunture needles! I feel like a pin cushion, or even, yes, you got it, a seive! Today the wangerama dealt with recent batch of sleepless nights, a fresh and snotty cold and sinus pain and finally a bunch more headaches -  the migraine variety! The number of those have increased since Ive got my hormones back, so more regular now on  the monthly cycle, but there are the random ones too!

Am back at work part time now, brain busy and feeling more positive, if somewhat tired. Body is getting a bit stronger on a daily basis though and my stamina is definitely improving. Only thing I seem to have noticed is that Ive normalised with my pain levels. It is constant in my ribs, and cold days I do notice it more, but Im pretty stuck on current level of pain killers, less and I cant do much, more and I do too much as cant actually feel any pain. I sort of need to be on the knife edge between pain and not , so that I can actually manage what level of activity is realistic and feasible.

Yes, Im starting too to fantasise about running again, doing some exercise, maybe even some pilates classes, as, with every day the ribs heal a tiny bit more, the stretch is less, the stamina is better and so life feels a tiny bit more normal. I read daily updates on Inspire about peoples' cases of OP and how they suffer and how they manage. I do weirdly seem to have a ridiculous record of breaks in a year.........21 seems to take the piss a bit in regards to others stories. 1 is bad, but 21 unreal......and thats my story. I feel the bubble ever more around me.......a sort of surreal and parallel universe.......where did this year go, how have the months slipped by, well I suppose the fog of killers and pain and spaciness from all the drugs is enough but it does all seem like it sort of happened to someone else. isnt it funny how the mind can trick the body. Im actually no better really than a few months ago. my spine readings are still horribly low (-3.2 T score -  thats pretty bad by the way as many with this disease have readings around -2.5! -4 is even worse and more rare!). My bone density is basically shocking still and the fact that you can squeeze me a few times and I break is pretty scary, however, the one HUGE difference for me now is that the pain of so many breaks is finally relieving itself. Assuming no more accidents, bear hugs or drunk colleagues fall on me then I should be alright. Im avoiding the rush hour traffic, got great at negtiating round pissed people, no bicycle action, horses, sports or wayward dancing! and all this alone is allowing me to feel a bit more 'normal' a bit more functional and like actually life might now beat me on this one.

A close friend recently compared me to a fine bone china......I like that comparison......a fine and somewhat fragile cup and saucer that is handled with love and care......and NOT left on the shelf just to look at but can still be used daily if you just handle with a little bit more thought and attention.......you dont bung it in the rucsack, picnic basket or jam it in the dishwasher......but there is no real reason not still to use it and enjoy the tea in! so a mental shift from humpty dumpty to fine china is I think a more positive and fitting approach.

Wangerama (Dr Wang my chinese doctor and accupuncturist) is funny. He told me I look young and vibrant today and he thinks Im very 'powerful'  -  his words not mine! he basically said that he thinks the fact that Im getting on with work, that Im still living life, that Im out there and not being a victim is the best thing possible. If you sit and moan and feel sorry for yourself instead of just getting on with it, not only is it all a bit depressing, and an ever decreasing downward spiral but its a negative state of mind that will never help -  (I know it all sounds a bit obvious, but its not always the easiest thing to do!). He told me the fact that Im back at work is massive as many of his clients with ME/ MS/ stroke victims, bone cancer and disease and even fertility issues, just give up and allow themselves the excuse of the illness/disease to sit about and feel sorry for themselves. His belief that positive mind = positive body and thus faster progress and recovery is the key. Its reassuring to hear this from him of course and I dont think Ive ever really allowed myself to be a victim. Yes I still have spectacularly bad days where its all a bit beyond the pale of actually getting my head round this thing, or dealing with the constant aches and pains, or the random shittyness that I can feel, either emotional or physical and vomitty. Ive just had to accept that this happens and this is just the way it is. No big deal its just part of how it is now........and when I do that it somehow doesnt feel so bad. I think I do have an occasional moan Im sure (apologies now if you are the one that gets it!), but Im also quite bored of sounding like I moan all the time in my own head, so Id rather just not comment and talk about the other persons stuff where possible! PLEASE JUST SHOOT ME OR TELL ME IF IM MOANING A LOT! apart from anything else, its just not a good state of mind for me to get better and through the day with. AND YES, when Im having a bad one, I turn on the cheesiest tune I can as loud as possible (when Im at home) and have a sodding good sing along......it works a treat! that or kicking a huge pile of leaves in the park is working too!

so my friends, life is rolling on and the tick of time continues in its consistent and unrelenting way of plodding forward..........but with it eases pain and boredom, and health and positivity return! Time heals......of course it does, but so it seems do a few needles and a bit of encouragement!