A spoonful of sugar.....

......helps the medicine go down. Isnt that what we are all taught as children? If you ever saw the Mary Poppins film then you will know that it is an uptempo song sung by Mary Poppins, instructing the two children, Jane and Michael to clean their room. But even though the task is daunting, with a good attitude, it can still be fun. 

Im not sure that healing from a bunch of broken bones, any illness or trying to overcome some enormous feat of endurance even, is always that fun, but it is certainly a good way of trying to approach some indomitable or seemingly so feat or challenge......I certainly never liked to clean my room, but I guess the satisfaction of it all being tidy, even if I did just stuff everything in cupboards and under the bed, was something to take note of even if a bit short lived at times when invariably I then needed to find something and everything came pouring out on top of me! but of course that made me laugh too (most of the time!). Positivity of course always helps and finding a state of mind that allows you to switch into a mode that will support this when facing some horrible nasty,  is definitely better than the alternative of sitting, festering and being miserable. And look, Im not preaching! I did plenty of the latter stuff too!

I have been at both ends of this scale in the last year and its not surprising really that it takes both to be able to face head on, any challenge that is presented, misery and depression as well as positivity and an indomitable spirit -  dont let the 'b*****ds get you down (glass half full, optimism). In my case I hit the major low before making a conscious choice to turn things around an face my diagnosis head on. I can certainly say that once I did this earlier this year that things have started to transform, mentally and physically.

<<once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones you will start to see positive results.....>>

Furthermore, in a number of reports, optimists have been shown to live healthier lifestyles which may influence disease. Optimists are more physically active, consume more fruit, vegetables and whole-grain bread, and consume more moderate amounts of alcohol -  that has been my ongoing diet once the major healing phase was in progress.

"The relationship between optimism and health has also been studied with regards to physical symptoms, coping strategies and negative affect for those suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, and fibromyalgia.

It has been found that among individuals with these diseases, optimists are not more likely than pessimists to report pain alleviation due to coping strategies, despite differences in psychological well-being between the two groups." (G. Affleck, H Tennen, A. Apter. "Optimism, Pessimism, and Daily Life With Chronic Illness. Optimism & Pessimism: Implications for Theory, Research, and Practice. )

I looked up patience in wikipedia and its definition was  - Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties. Patience is the level of endurance one can take before negativity. It is also used to refer to the character trait of being steadfast. 

Why am I harping on about all this then? Ive tried meditation, massage, relaxation techniques, acupuncture, pain relief, sleeping, exercise, burying my head in the sand, denial, but in the end it was my state of mind that has had the biggest impact I truly believe. I have battled severe pain. Ive challenged the doctors, Ive done what I was told but also a lot of what I wasnt! Ive researched, Ive tried different techniques, Ive taken the supplements, Ive gone through an exercise rehab process, but fundamentally a few key things are really important.

1) keep people who make you laugh, look after you and dont sap your energy in your life.

2) eat well and live well (even if in pain) organise a few nice things to do and do them, dont wimp out because it hurts, or is tiring, or a battle to keep going and all you want to do is cry and give up -  it DOESNT WORK!

3) work hard  -  distraction works a treat

4) patience, more patience and a bit more!

5) self belief and PMA (positive mental attitude)

when life gives you a no its because there is a better yes down the road!

The long and short of all this is that last year about this time all the doctors were grim faced and whilst trying to be encouraging, they had no idea why I had developed such a dramatic form of osteoporosis? they all had their theories and the general consensus is still that it was the depo provera contraceptive I took which had the most radical and extreme reaction on me, in the rarest circumstances. so Im just bloody unlucky I guess. They couldnt explain the multiple breaks -  none had ever seen more that a couple in most people, my 21 were frankly a medical anomaly that noone could decifer. I saw osteoporosis specialists, rheumatologists, an orthopaedic surgeon and finally an endocrinologist. Months of blood tests, scans, ultrasound scans, urine tests, spinal xrays, morphine, painkillers etc etc you name it, and now a radioactive bone scan in 6 weeks time........all these did thankfully was rule other really nasty stuff out, but with no cure, no treatment other than vitamin d and some calcium, sick note off sports and the prospect that my spine might collapse if I ever had kids, with the threat of a wheelchair in the not so distant future, the future was definitely somewhat bleak. As Ive said tens of times before its more not knowing what and how to face the future rather than dealing with the diagnosis! so you can imagine....!

"sometimes the hardest person to face

 is the one staring back at you in the mirror!"

My appointment came around again with Dr Cox (cutey cox as I call him) last week, 7 months since I last saw him. Ive had ongoing pain all year, my ribs on my left hand side are still not healed, back pain, muscular pain and a form of fibromyalgia (latent bone pain), I could only think the worst. He left me to the end of his surgery so I was sitting there the best part of 2 hours waiting, winding myself up! but I know you are all on the edge of your seats waiting for the results!?

T and Z bone scores have increased from -2.8 to -2.3. (at diagnosis the L4 was at -3.2 and has increased to -2.7) = v severe OP 

 - just to remind you all someone fit and healthy of my age whos done a lot of sport all their life, eats healthily should be between about +1.5 and 2!!!

So this is something of a turn up for the books folks! this means that Very slowly im reversing. its a 4% average increase against my baseline, thus an increase in bone density! Suddenly the outlook is a lot less grim! Ive still got a long way to go, but thats what the patience is all about!

I can have kids  -  with a lot of support! last year they said it would be a risk not worth taking!

I will be able to ski again (my translation not theirs, but thats the positive thinking again, or optimism, or just plain pig headedness!) -  not for a while, but it may well be possible. (prob not the horseriding though, but never say never!) -  I might still get the body armor that I planned on though! I think its a sexy look! 

All of those other things that I was told I could never do again suddenly look like they might be possible at some point. not yet but baby steps!

He did also diagnose a stress fracture in my left foot! and Ive had a broken toe this year too! hence the need for a radioactive bone scan, to pick up on all the other fractures and why the ribs arent healing so well!

There are injections apparently of various supplements and stuff that top athletes have to speed bones knitting, but theyve never been tried in ribs -  maybe Ill be a new trial? He said that Im worth writing a white paper on! get that  -  lil ol me warranting a whole medical case study!

so Im going in the right direction. I have been self destructive, Ive been through anger, denial, depression, resignation and now the more positive taking control, positive and getting a grip! I happen to think anger and denial have served a pretty strong purpose for the good too. Ive pushed myself to forget and ignore my crappy stuff, and whilst the outcome of being bedridden after a big night out has often been the result (and not just due to some stinking hangover,( although those at least made me feel weirdly alive!) for a few brief moments Ive felt normal. the pain has been dulled and Ive ignored the reality......and it really hasnt harmed me. Im not condoning going out and going crazy but occasionally like any stressful job or crazy stuff that goes on in our lives you have to go out and let off steam! Its a form of purging that nasty negative stuff whirling around inside, which is only worse if you cant get rid!

The spoonful of sugar was taken, the bitter washed down with some sweet! Ive still got a few more spoons to take I know but it all helps.

Ive also added a couple of mantras......

stop saying I wish and start saying I will

its all in the art of the possible and not the impossible!

2 steps forward, 2 steps back - equilibrium?

My last posting was a rather impersonal summary of the 3 different types of pain. I posted it so as to raise more awareness to those who either suffer and will find it a way of clarifying or for those that need a better understanding of where Im at when I say Im in a constant state of pain. (ie persistent, as opposed to chronic or acute)

Its a concept for most that is hard to really grasp. I can also relate to that,  as I remember when my mother had constant back pain, when I  was a child, and I could never really fathom why she looked ok and yet insisted that she could barely stand or walk. That is the problem with pain -  its there, the person is suffering, but other than a grimace, or pale complexion, a few tears or so, there is no obvious outer sign of what is being endured.

Im now back in full swing of a more 'normal' life. I work everyday again, I try and see friends occasionally and have a bit of a social life now and then! I carry my own shopping, I even managed to do a bit of gardening last weekend, went for a walk, drive the car, take public transport etc. So all in all a pretty normal existence you might think.
The reality though is a bit more complex than all of that.
Yes, most mornings I stretch out in bed, greet the cat, and the first question that usually crosses my mind is what pain level today? Im normally around about a 1 or 2 first thing in the morning! A bumble and stumble with stiff limbs and sore joints into the bathroom and the baking hot shower usually serves to revive and warm me through to get me a bit more functional. I am challenged of course with the usual crisis that most women have every morning of course with what to wear and that provides something of a brief distraction, until I realise that due to lack of activity and eating a few too many naughty things, plus copious pills that have utterly disrupted my whole system, over the past year as way of comfort that I then despair that actually the dress I want to wear is now a bit tight! bleugh! That daily trauma over and Im generally in gear and out of the house quite soon.

I still have about 10 different pills every morning to take, magnesium citrate, calcuim, vit d, vit e, zinc and vit c combo, iron, my magic Chinese potion, co-enzyme q10 and Im off! should be too on that lot! but Im basically taking the magnesium, zinc and Iron cos Im knackered all the time. The magnesium is also meant to be good for bones and healing and bad sleep patterns. Co-enzyme is also good for immune and healing. vit e, hair and bones. You get the picture. And then there are the real drugs. Im still taking the naproxen anti inflamatory 1- 3 times a day. and then its a quick decision when I roll into the office as to whether its the 20mg codeine or the 30mg? I have a draw full of painkillers in the office or all types. If the tube journey has been bad of course Im on the 30mg. If Im having a better day its the 20. Naturally the lower the number the better in terms of side effects. I still get a nauseaous feeling with them and the higher dosages Im just a bit more fluffy headed! I still have to write nearly everything down all the time, but that's not such a bad practise in meetings and making decisions all the time anyway!

I have to say that I thought that by now Id be 'more stable'. Im pretty level with the pain and its just a way of life now mostly, but its also a bit catch 22. I will turn into a total slug if I dont do more exercise and activity, but its really quite painful to do so. when I do,  I cease up, I get stiff, I have higher pain levels all which I have to keep pushing through to try and combat having no core muscles (which hold me upright) and arms and legs now like jelly rather than the more toned appendages that got me up a mountain a while back. So slug I am at the moment. Im not sure how many slugs grew muscles, some might argue they are just one slimy muscle that slopes about, but whilst I dont think Im so similar to one (at least I hope Im not there yet), it seems that my body is going that way. My back hurts all the time, as do my ribs still  -  I guess they are STILL healing,  I feel a bit without a spine frankly as sitting up sometimes is really quite painful. The muscles I do have stretch and hurt like hell too -  probably from extreme underuse!  Its a form of fibromyalgia I believe -  constant aches in your muscles and bones -  another condition to add to my list!

......the last 2 months has been something of a roller coaster again starting with all those test in January, the ups and downs and further uncertainty being lobbed over the fence at me  -  constantly questioning, what , why, how come and is there something more that is driving all this.......tumours, spine fractures, or just crappy genetics!?

I went away to the sun to get more vitamin d and warmth in my bones. A nice alternative to the usual skiing trips at this time of year! I thought that the sun would help the pain, but it didnt. I had pain every day. It was devastating. Actually it knocked me back a lot. I had it in my head that living in the heat would really help. Maybe I just need to move to a hot country, but it didnt seem that way even after 2 weeks of hot sun in the Caribbean (I peeled 3 times -  thats how brown I was and how much sun I got, and dont go starting on about skin cancer now........I used factor 30!!). That and getting back to my work schedule (no stamina still so constantly knackered, but I am improving day by day) and of course the daily struggle with my body not doing what I want it to do.

Pain as I have said before is knackering! yes yes, I keep going on about it. I have had a bad couple of months though. I get back from the sun, and BAM into the next downward spiral. In kicks in a round of drinking myself bonkers on a Friday night after a long week (not so uncommon I know),  total denial and utter misery. "Wits end" some people call it. Depression setting back in, feeling pretty wretched generally. I bit the dust again! by the time I got to Easter I was holding down a job and getting through the day and then just functioning through the evening to start the next day. I dont really talk about this stuff to anyone, I put on my face in the morning and get on with it all. You have to dont you!? but it doesnt really help. Actually it gets worse and worse. The more you feel the less you tell and externalise it. You think people are bored, you think people are disinterested -  actually mostly they are, they only ask out of politeness and then you see their faces cloud over.......so this thing grows inside you and starts to eat away........the big black cloud decends and there really doesnt feel like much of the silver lining  that everyone promises and goes on about!

So home I took myself. The lab puppy is now a beast and bounced like tigger when I arrived. Isnt it wonderful the way animals live so utterly in the present? I found myself wanting to take a leaf out of his book........I had a long chat with mum, who with her medical background helped explain that its actually very common to go through this when you have been diagnosed with a lifetime illness or disease. You get angry, resentful, depressed, feel like its not worth it any more. Its tough finding a way to come to terms with a condition that constantly seems to hurl crap at you and make every day a challenge to get through, and all on the outside looks well. Oh the irony! I know that cancer sufferers often beat the cancer and then get massively depressed because the thing they were fighting is gone and they feel a bit empty and goaless. Im just finding a way to deal with crap that goes on day after day, no treatment, no reprieve from the onslaught, no cure!

But I do know that the only person who can get through this all is me! Its my shit to deal with, its the challenge that I have been handed by some fateful signal out there in the ether that has set me this goal. Get on with it, pick myself up and find a way to actually function day to day and find a way of living that doesnt feel so compromised all the time. I do feel compromised. My whole life feels  at times like it has dropped down through a plug hole...... All the sports and activities I love to do -  the stuff that makes me me, or so I thought! I found my riding boots and chaps under the bed last weekend, the ski boots, the sailing gear and the windsurfing kit. I cant use them but I refuse to throw them away! Am I mad or just hopeful that one day maybe there is the slimmest chance I can use them again. Or do I just defy the doctors!?mmmm

I do know that my job, and my interests in art and culture, travelling and music are all still there, it hasnt all gone, but I have to focus on those things to find a lift! So its time to rehabilitate.